Vulnerable, but small post about motherhood.
I worry as a mother. Mostly because I am falling short of my own expectations. But, I also worry about the time I must spend away from my children.
This is the prayer on my heart, which I have placed to words tonight: "Lord, bless me in my mothering every day. Bless what I can do, and do, for my children. Bless the time I have with them, and the time I spend away from them. Change and heal my mothering heart."
Before my scripture study I opened with a prayer, and recorded my thoughts (which I shared above). Then, I read this in 3 Nephi 22: 13
"And all thy children shall be taught of the Lord; and great shall be the peace of thy children."
That's a promise, and there is no question what the Lord is telling me here. ALL I am asked to do is teach my children of the Lord. And they will be blessed and have peace. Which doesn't mean they won't struggle. But, the reward in the end is great.
I know it is a hard work, and I know that every moment will not be bliss. But, I find great peace in these words tonight. If this is all I have to do, then I CAN do it.
Oh, what joy to my mothering soul.
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
Monday, September 28, 2015
Simple, Powerful Truth; A Short Reflection; Gratitude
A tender mercy has come to me tonight. Actually, many have come to me through the wonderful people around me. So many have reached out to me and served me today. I'm grateful for every single heart who has loved and lifted my family. In whatever way you could. It was a challenging day, but I have felt comfort and upward motion, and today is now passed. I'm so grateful.
I do want to share one specific tender mercy: I listened again to Rosemary M Wixom's Conference talk again tonight. One of my major concerns has been one of fear of having to relive a divorce again sometime in the future. I know my heart just couldn't bear it. I've prayed and wept much as I have wanted to know how to be free from this happening again. Tonight, Sister Wixom's talk answered that prayer for me. It may not ensure necessarily that my family will never experience such a trial, but she does give answers to many of my deepest pains and fears. It's difficult to explain: I don't think anyone can with 100% certainty know they will not be faced with divorce in some distant future. But, I do know the Lord has given me a specific answer through her talk. It feels that way.
As Sister Wixom shares, I know I can ease my burdens and lessen my trials by seeking the divine nature within me. It will narrow the path before me and set me firmly on a foundation which will bring me home to my Heavenly Father. And with such a focus, my vision will be better suited for finding a compatible partner for the journey. I really worry for my family, and I hope to set a worthy example for my children as they seek their own divine natures and paths back home.
Thanks for letting me share, and for giving me space for hope and love again. I wouldn't be where I am if I didn't have so many beautiful friendships with people who have strong ties to the gospel. I love you all. Good night, sweet friends.
Sunday, September 27, 2015
The Last Day of Forever: Personal Reflections
I know many of you are not of my faith, and I don't mean to press my beliefs on you. I feel to share some of my thoughts and they can be taken or left at your own pleasure.
I feel with certainty there is no deeper heart ache to me than the ache of one who is lost, when considering all of the possibility before what once was two, or a partnership. I believe there is absolute truth, and divinity, and I also believe in the one who is just the opposite. I believe there is a definite force for good, and a definite and cunning force for sorrow. I believe there is an eternal purpose for each of us that is greater than our comprehension, and that the crowning moments of our lives revolve around choosing our families and our eternal partnership in that union. I believe the greatest empowerment comes from honoring those promises and covenants that we make to that one other, God, and the resulting lives who follow, and I believe the greatest freedom comes from honesty and purity in heart. Everything about the world we live in is driving us away from the sanctity of the role of spouses and this special union between two souls. There is so much good to be had and love to be shared, and trust and honor to be shared between two people, in addition to the power we are given by God to create our own families and the spirit which is in them. There is nothing more tragic than when a family falls apart. Nothing more preventable, and nothing more destructive. Souls heal, and people move forward, but the tragedy remains and the children forever are impacted by those choices. That's a pain and a loss that cannot quite find itself wholly in expression. It's something to be felt and understood spiritually. I believe in our right to choose, and in the right of each person to make their own choices, but I also believe that every choice has a resulting and unavoidable, and one day undeniable, consequence (for which we will be held accountable). My heart couldn't bear this day passing without my honesty, and I only feel to share these really personal beliefs with each of you. I thank you for your respect and your love and support.
I also wanted to say, I do know this is a beautiful opportunity to begin again and to really understand the gift of the atonement. But, I feel I wouldn't be true to myself if I didn't own how tragic this feels to me, and how differently I will see the world because of this day. I'm free to choose, and I choose happiness. But I have to work through and understand pain to reach joy. Please, if you have a moment and you feel to, send up prayers for my family on this day. All of us, including Ryan. Thank you.
Monday, September 21, 2015
Sister of My Faith
Young sister of faith, you are on my heart tonight. I pray for you. I pray this message reaches you. I pray that truth is found here and that I am able to share what you need to hear.
Young sister, you are living in a world that doesn't know you; not really. This is what I want you to understand.
Today I was spending time with you, one of my favorite teenage friends. You confided to me that you wish you had a different body. My heart felt so much for you, and I was overwhelmed with sadness. You are amazing! I wanted to tell you. I wanted you to know who you are to the Lord, and what the truth is. Please, don't forget who you are while you journey through this compelling world.
You are divine; you are a daughter of your heavenly father. I know, this has been hammered into your head since you could first walk yourself to primary class. But, believe me, coming from a woman who converted to the Church after my young women years, I want you to know that there is nothing truer about your identity.
Oh, young woman, you are beautiful! You are not your waist, your bust, nor your booty measurements. You are not the color of your skin, or the length of your hair. In fact, all of these things trivialize your true identity and the import of the fact that you even have a body here on this earth. Your body is a blessing, and you earned it. It identifies you as having kept your first estate, and your body has become a symbol of your commitment to Heavenly Father. He is so proud of you!
You know better than anyone there is one who wants you to forget this truth, and to lose your sense of self. His goal is for you to hate that gift, rather than to honor it and understand it, and who you are.
I want to reiterate that your body is a symbol: It is a symbol of who you have chosen to become. You chose to learn from Heavenly Father, and to keep your first estate. Your body is powerful. It houses your eternal spirit and becomes a vehicle to unlock the powers of heaven in your life. You are powerful. You have the power to do great good, or great evil, or to be lukewarm. You have the power to create. You have the power to become like Heavenly Father.
I know the trials of this world for females, and the impact it leaves on our souls. We believe and buy into what the world teaches us because we want to ensure our success. We want to be seen as beautiful, and we long to be told we are loved. I weep for the pain and shame you have felt regarding your body. The Lord does not see it that way. The Lord sees your soul for all that it is, and all that it can be, and He loves you perfectly.
If the world knows the beauty of a body, it doesn't know the beauty of a soul: The world does not understand what we know about the soul. We know that our souls are the uniting of our body and spirit. Our bodies are so incredible, and they are miracles. The worth of your soul is great! Your body is part of that ticket, and is great in the sight of the Lord. There is no greater blessing our Father can give us than to keep that union for eternity and use it to its fullest potential. That IS the symbol of eternity for Latter-day Saints. The next time you see someone send a message that your body is only worth its image, know they are missing the most important piece of knowledge regarding the subject; stand as a witness to that knowledge.
Young woman of faith, please love your body, and bless yourself by keeping it healthy. Do amazing things with it. Use it for good and not for self gain or gratification. Those are dead end streets full of pain and sorrow. And never forget the Atonement of Jesus Christ heals all wounds and weaknesses. It is never too late to return to who you were and live up to your divine potential.
Your body is a gift to you. Pray to be grateful, and to see it for what it truly is, and love the one who gave it to you. Know that I love you, and that I am praying for you too. You will make it.
I say this in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
Young sister, you are living in a world that doesn't know you; not really. This is what I want you to understand.
Today I was spending time with you, one of my favorite teenage friends. You confided to me that you wish you had a different body. My heart felt so much for you, and I was overwhelmed with sadness. You are amazing! I wanted to tell you. I wanted you to know who you are to the Lord, and what the truth is. Please, don't forget who you are while you journey through this compelling world.
You are divine; you are a daughter of your heavenly father. I know, this has been hammered into your head since you could first walk yourself to primary class. But, believe me, coming from a woman who converted to the Church after my young women years, I want you to know that there is nothing truer about your identity.
Oh, young woman, you are beautiful! You are not your waist, your bust, nor your booty measurements. You are not the color of your skin, or the length of your hair. In fact, all of these things trivialize your true identity and the import of the fact that you even have a body here on this earth. Your body is a blessing, and you earned it. It identifies you as having kept your first estate, and your body has become a symbol of your commitment to Heavenly Father. He is so proud of you!
You know better than anyone there is one who wants you to forget this truth, and to lose your sense of self. His goal is for you to hate that gift, rather than to honor it and understand it, and who you are.
I want to reiterate that your body is a symbol: It is a symbol of who you have chosen to become. You chose to learn from Heavenly Father, and to keep your first estate. Your body is powerful. It houses your eternal spirit and becomes a vehicle to unlock the powers of heaven in your life. You are powerful. You have the power to do great good, or great evil, or to be lukewarm. You have the power to create. You have the power to become like Heavenly Father.
I know the trials of this world for females, and the impact it leaves on our souls. We believe and buy into what the world teaches us because we want to ensure our success. We want to be seen as beautiful, and we long to be told we are loved. I weep for the pain and shame you have felt regarding your body. The Lord does not see it that way. The Lord sees your soul for all that it is, and all that it can be, and He loves you perfectly.
If the world knows the beauty of a body, it doesn't know the beauty of a soul: The world does not understand what we know about the soul. We know that our souls are the uniting of our body and spirit. Our bodies are so incredible, and they are miracles. The worth of your soul is great! Your body is part of that ticket, and is great in the sight of the Lord. There is no greater blessing our Father can give us than to keep that union for eternity and use it to its fullest potential. That IS the symbol of eternity for Latter-day Saints. The next time you see someone send a message that your body is only worth its image, know they are missing the most important piece of knowledge regarding the subject; stand as a witness to that knowledge.
Young woman of faith, please love your body, and bless yourself by keeping it healthy. Do amazing things with it. Use it for good and not for self gain or gratification. Those are dead end streets full of pain and sorrow. And never forget the Atonement of Jesus Christ heals all wounds and weaknesses. It is never too late to return to who you were and live up to your divine potential.
Your body is a gift to you. Pray to be grateful, and to see it for what it truly is, and love the one who gave it to you. Know that I love you, and that I am praying for you too. You will make it.
I say this in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
Thursday, September 3, 2015
One Season At A Time
It's been a while since I have felt I could sit down and make any sense of my situation. I feel a little more balanced today, which is interesting because I also feel a little more broken today than I have in this process. I guess being centered has nothing to do with whether I am broken or whole. Truly, my heart aches. So, here's the truth: I don't have a direction today, and I just feel to write and let the pieces fall into place.
I watched a movie today in the Cardio Cinema where I like to work out, and I felt triggered by one of the characters. Rather than fleeing and walking away deflated, I decided to discover what it was that I was experiencing. This woman was only valued for her sexuality and her body. She was beautiful. I thought initially that the insecurity must have been rooted in feeling like I didn't measure up to her standard of sex appeal. But, as I reflected a little more deeply, I don't think that is true. Men don't value just one type of woman or body type. It's a false idea and a hurtful subject because we teach ourselves to believe it. But, that isn't true. And I know that I am a beautiful person too.
What I think it came down to is that there is a sense in the deepest place of my heart that sex is overplayed and overvalued in our culture. Or maybe what I am trying to say is that there is a level of sexual expression in the world that I live in which doesn't suit my values. I think sex is very important, please don't misunderstand me. In my opinion, it's not all-important. What I discovered about myself today is that I am living in a world moving a different direction than I am, and I am feeling very vulnerable. I am feeling vulnerable because I lost my husband for this exact reason: we see things differently and we value different things. Specifically sexual expression. And I realized that it feels humiliating to be measured by such a small piece of what I am, as who I am. That's where my heart feels tender. I feel degraded and objectified, and I don't think the truth will ever be full here. I don't know if it will be admitted or owned that this marriage fell apart for such a shallow reason- that I wasn't seen as a human being. If we really see someone, all of someone, then how can we hurt that person intentionally and repeatedly? Or repeatedly degrade them? Or repeatedly and finally throw away the eternal promises we made with that person for such a momentary, and surface inquiry, experience? IF we really SAW people as people, and understood the import of such a thing, could there be such experiences? I don't know. In truth, I think that is part of the journey we are making in this life. We will inevitably hurt others. Sometimes intentionally and sometimes not. What I am trying to get at here is that I don't think it needs to remain that way. I think the kind of seeing I want to have is seeing life through spiritual eyes.
I know I am just living in a broken world view because of my experiences and my pain, but I find myself wondering if anyone sees with spiritual eyes anymore. Of course people do. And then the Lord resurfaces the people who do, and with whom he has blessed me, by bringing them into my circles again. And He brings more wonderful people into my life. And I have to own that I didn't have faith. That my faith was wavering, even as I desperately try to draw nearer.
I realize the answer is simple, and not so simple. All I have to do is hold on with a steadfastness of faith, and allow myself to learn from my mistakes. But, I have to hold on with faith and recognize the thinking which caused my mistakes: A quantum leap; a test of my humility and resolve. It's so much easier said than done, and it reminds me that life really is as hard as my heart. I choose how I view life, and how I let my emotions color my life. Emotions are real, and they help me understand myself better. They also reveal thinking patterns which are not helpful, or lack truth. It's a bit overwhelming for me right now. I am going to leave this thought where it is.
It's been two weeks to the day since my first night in my new apartment. That day was a really hard, and also a really beautiful, day. I prepared for it, knowing it would be difficult, and believed Heavenly Father would make the day what it needed to be for me. Many blessings were given to me, and it did beautiful things for my faith. One particular experience that evening moves my heart. It is sacred to me, but I feel to share it.
Between shifts of people helping me move my boxes, at about six o'clock, I found myself alone in my new place. With nothing more to move, and a few minutes until I needed to be at my old apartment to meet the Elders Quorum so they could help me move my furniture, I decided to open the blinds to let the light in. As the blinds opened, a really beautiful fall evening light filtered into my home, and my heart, and I realized this was an opportunity to move forward in my life. Fall is a season in the cycle of life which provides for reflection before the winter comes. As things settle, and some things die, others simplify, and the winter fills the space of time to let old things rest and to provide space for the new; to prepare for spring and new life. It made me realize that this is the fall of my life, and that I am now preparing for what's coming in the winter, so that I can live for spring, and become the kind of person I want to be, and live the life I want to live. I am overcome even now as I think about the blessing of the truth in that moment.
And it sheds light on another truth. Sometimes everything must crumble to the ground, to be lost, for something new to come from it. My old life, and my old ways of thinking, have come crashing down. Now I have the opportunity to reflect and build upon a steadier foundation. That is my prayer.
I watched a movie today in the Cardio Cinema where I like to work out, and I felt triggered by one of the characters. Rather than fleeing and walking away deflated, I decided to discover what it was that I was experiencing. This woman was only valued for her sexuality and her body. She was beautiful. I thought initially that the insecurity must have been rooted in feeling like I didn't measure up to her standard of sex appeal. But, as I reflected a little more deeply, I don't think that is true. Men don't value just one type of woman or body type. It's a false idea and a hurtful subject because we teach ourselves to believe it. But, that isn't true. And I know that I am a beautiful person too.
What I think it came down to is that there is a sense in the deepest place of my heart that sex is overplayed and overvalued in our culture. Or maybe what I am trying to say is that there is a level of sexual expression in the world that I live in which doesn't suit my values. I think sex is very important, please don't misunderstand me. In my opinion, it's not all-important. What I discovered about myself today is that I am living in a world moving a different direction than I am, and I am feeling very vulnerable. I am feeling vulnerable because I lost my husband for this exact reason: we see things differently and we value different things. Specifically sexual expression. And I realized that it feels humiliating to be measured by such a small piece of what I am, as who I am. That's where my heart feels tender. I feel degraded and objectified, and I don't think the truth will ever be full here. I don't know if it will be admitted or owned that this marriage fell apart for such a shallow reason- that I wasn't seen as a human being. If we really see someone, all of someone, then how can we hurt that person intentionally and repeatedly? Or repeatedly degrade them? Or repeatedly and finally throw away the eternal promises we made with that person for such a momentary, and surface inquiry, experience? IF we really SAW people as people, and understood the import of such a thing, could there be such experiences? I don't know. In truth, I think that is part of the journey we are making in this life. We will inevitably hurt others. Sometimes intentionally and sometimes not. What I am trying to get at here is that I don't think it needs to remain that way. I think the kind of seeing I want to have is seeing life through spiritual eyes.
I know I am just living in a broken world view because of my experiences and my pain, but I find myself wondering if anyone sees with spiritual eyes anymore. Of course people do. And then the Lord resurfaces the people who do, and with whom he has blessed me, by bringing them into my circles again. And He brings more wonderful people into my life. And I have to own that I didn't have faith. That my faith was wavering, even as I desperately try to draw nearer.
I realize the answer is simple, and not so simple. All I have to do is hold on with a steadfastness of faith, and allow myself to learn from my mistakes. But, I have to hold on with faith and recognize the thinking which caused my mistakes: A quantum leap; a test of my humility and resolve. It's so much easier said than done, and it reminds me that life really is as hard as my heart. I choose how I view life, and how I let my emotions color my life. Emotions are real, and they help me understand myself better. They also reveal thinking patterns which are not helpful, or lack truth. It's a bit overwhelming for me right now. I am going to leave this thought where it is.
It's been two weeks to the day since my first night in my new apartment. That day was a really hard, and also a really beautiful, day. I prepared for it, knowing it would be difficult, and believed Heavenly Father would make the day what it needed to be for me. Many blessings were given to me, and it did beautiful things for my faith. One particular experience that evening moves my heart. It is sacred to me, but I feel to share it.
Between shifts of people helping me move my boxes, at about six o'clock, I found myself alone in my new place. With nothing more to move, and a few minutes until I needed to be at my old apartment to meet the Elders Quorum so they could help me move my furniture, I decided to open the blinds to let the light in. As the blinds opened, a really beautiful fall evening light filtered into my home, and my heart, and I realized this was an opportunity to move forward in my life. Fall is a season in the cycle of life which provides for reflection before the winter comes. As things settle, and some things die, others simplify, and the winter fills the space of time to let old things rest and to provide space for the new; to prepare for spring and new life. It made me realize that this is the fall of my life, and that I am now preparing for what's coming in the winter, so that I can live for spring, and become the kind of person I want to be, and live the life I want to live. I am overcome even now as I think about the blessing of the truth in that moment.
And it sheds light on another truth. Sometimes everything must crumble to the ground, to be lost, for something new to come from it. My old life, and my old ways of thinking, have come crashing down. Now I have the opportunity to reflect and build upon a steadier foundation. That is my prayer.
Thursday, August 6, 2015
"Saudade"
Thinking over the past few weeks, I am trying to reflect and "make sense of things". I am not sure I can get to the root of my emotions today.
So, of course, I turned to google and searched, "complex emotions which would reflect joy and sorrow in the same moment". I found "saudade". I will start here, although saudade is not exactly what I am feeling.
Inwardly, I feel it expressed as if I were poised on the brink of something great and indescribable, and I arrived there from enduring a long, hard journey of joys and pains. Yet the moment is full of sorrow and yearning, and the lingering memories of the joy that was once had.
There is a sense that there is still good to be taken from what is necessarily left behind. It is the sense that who I am now is not because of what I experienced and endured, but a reflection of how I chose to see each moment; Those small tastes of joy, only now reflected in a new perspective encased by sorrow. It's a feeling of being compelled into a new being, with a new understanding, and becoming someone new and whole because I was broken down. Everything had to crumble in my life, and I needed to be ripped apart at my very core, and I had to start at the beginning to rebuild.
In rebuilding it was necessary for me to make a choice: I needed to redefine and carry a new vision of what the future holds and who I am in this world. And I couldn't have done it without both the joy and the sorrow. For both are motivators: Joy motivates us to continue forward, and sorrow motivates us to refigure and refocus. I needed to decide if I believed in the pursuit of joy.
Again, I am sad. I am sad because of who I have lost, and what they represented. I am sad because there are those close to me who don't support me and believe in me in this moment because I have chosen differently. I am sad because I am alone. And I am sad because the moments of beauty and wholeness with each is gone and there isn't peace and unity where there once was. Now things stand in a different light and we are poised against each other.
Maybe that moment of wholeness wasn't real, but the sense of beauty was. It can be a stepping stone to greater things. Sometimes this is what becomes truth: I chose one way, and they chose another. We diverged from the same path and sharing the same moments. I am certain there is not a deeper sadness than this to me. This is the ache and longing for better times and distant memories laced in the knowledge that such beauty can be rebuilt and sealed, but not likely with those same souls. And this because of our choices. This is the deepest sense of loss to me.
Yet, again, these inner yearnings and senses are indicators to me that life is meant to be lived, and progress is meant to be made. Joy is meant to be sought and eventually retained. How could I know to seek deeper and binding things if I did not experience the glimpses and the subsequent losses of those possibilities? If I didn't feel them and mourn them?
Now is a time to rebuild and redirect my life in a manner that would bring me closer to where I want to be, and more particularly, who I want to become. Because that will determine where I will end up.
There is a power given to each of us which endows us to become our own creators. We have the power to create our own realities. That is to say, the way we choose to live and think has the power to influence our circumstances. Those realities can be full of loss and brokenness, and a sense that nothing really will be all that we want it to be; or they can be full of overcoming, forward motion, contentment in each moment, and an accounting of our blessings and progresses- a belief in the possibilities before us.
Here's an interesting aside: outward success doesn't necessarily describe the nature of the person within. Life is too complex and full of many different seasons.
Right now life is in transition for my family. I don't feel to note every single change and transition because the impact of each is so unique and complex. But, my heart is broken, and so is my home. There is not enough of me to go around. Realistically, the goal is to survive these moments of transition in relative contentment and peace, which is greater to me than fighting for the perfect outward image. The only way to rebuild is for everything to be torn apart, and slowly rebuilt in orderly fashion. This is my moment of crisis; if I am seeking to rebuild something sturdy and lasting, that process will wisely be slow and meticulous. Each step and decision must be accounted for and checked against the history of experience. And before rebuilding can begin, healing and introspection must take place.
And this last piece I am adjusting to: I am realizing how much I have changed over the past four years, and how much those changes have necessarily displaced me. And I experience the joys and sorrows of every moment, past and present. I am grateful for my growth and my inner healing, but I am sad for who I am losing and the reshaping that is about to begin.
Letting go is hard. Holding on to a belief in greater things sometimes is even harder. My task is to do both and find myself somewhere beautiful on the other side.
So, of course, I turned to google and searched, "complex emotions which would reflect joy and sorrow in the same moment". I found "saudade". I will start here, although saudade is not exactly what I am feeling.
Inwardly, I feel it expressed as if I were poised on the brink of something great and indescribable, and I arrived there from enduring a long, hard journey of joys and pains. Yet the moment is full of sorrow and yearning, and the lingering memories of the joy that was once had.
There is a sense that there is still good to be taken from what is necessarily left behind. It is the sense that who I am now is not because of what I experienced and endured, but a reflection of how I chose to see each moment; Those small tastes of joy, only now reflected in a new perspective encased by sorrow. It's a feeling of being compelled into a new being, with a new understanding, and becoming someone new and whole because I was broken down. Everything had to crumble in my life, and I needed to be ripped apart at my very core, and I had to start at the beginning to rebuild.
In rebuilding it was necessary for me to make a choice: I needed to redefine and carry a new vision of what the future holds and who I am in this world. And I couldn't have done it without both the joy and the sorrow. For both are motivators: Joy motivates us to continue forward, and sorrow motivates us to refigure and refocus. I needed to decide if I believed in the pursuit of joy.
Again, I am sad. I am sad because of who I have lost, and what they represented. I am sad because there are those close to me who don't support me and believe in me in this moment because I have chosen differently. I am sad because I am alone. And I am sad because the moments of beauty and wholeness with each is gone and there isn't peace and unity where there once was. Now things stand in a different light and we are poised against each other.
Maybe that moment of wholeness wasn't real, but the sense of beauty was. It can be a stepping stone to greater things. Sometimes this is what becomes truth: I chose one way, and they chose another. We diverged from the same path and sharing the same moments. I am certain there is not a deeper sadness than this to me. This is the ache and longing for better times and distant memories laced in the knowledge that such beauty can be rebuilt and sealed, but not likely with those same souls. And this because of our choices. This is the deepest sense of loss to me.
Yet, again, these inner yearnings and senses are indicators to me that life is meant to be lived, and progress is meant to be made. Joy is meant to be sought and eventually retained. How could I know to seek deeper and binding things if I did not experience the glimpses and the subsequent losses of those possibilities? If I didn't feel them and mourn them?
Now is a time to rebuild and redirect my life in a manner that would bring me closer to where I want to be, and more particularly, who I want to become. Because that will determine where I will end up.
There is a power given to each of us which endows us to become our own creators. We have the power to create our own realities. That is to say, the way we choose to live and think has the power to influence our circumstances. Those realities can be full of loss and brokenness, and a sense that nothing really will be all that we want it to be; or they can be full of overcoming, forward motion, contentment in each moment, and an accounting of our blessings and progresses- a belief in the possibilities before us.
Here's an interesting aside: outward success doesn't necessarily describe the nature of the person within. Life is too complex and full of many different seasons.
Right now life is in transition for my family. I don't feel to note every single change and transition because the impact of each is so unique and complex. But, my heart is broken, and so is my home. There is not enough of me to go around. Realistically, the goal is to survive these moments of transition in relative contentment and peace, which is greater to me than fighting for the perfect outward image. The only way to rebuild is for everything to be torn apart, and slowly rebuilt in orderly fashion. This is my moment of crisis; if I am seeking to rebuild something sturdy and lasting, that process will wisely be slow and meticulous. Each step and decision must be accounted for and checked against the history of experience. And before rebuilding can begin, healing and introspection must take place.
And this last piece I am adjusting to: I am realizing how much I have changed over the past four years, and how much those changes have necessarily displaced me. And I experience the joys and sorrows of every moment, past and present. I am grateful for my growth and my inner healing, but I am sad for who I am losing and the reshaping that is about to begin.
Letting go is hard. Holding on to a belief in greater things sometimes is even harder. My task is to do both and find myself somewhere beautiful on the other side.
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
Forgiveness Sometimes Comes With Knowledge
Alma 24:30
30 "And thus we can plainly discern, that after a people have been once enlightened by the Spirit of God, and have had great knowledge of things pertaining to righteousness, and then have fallen away into sin and transgression, they become more hardened, and thus their state becomes worse than though they had never known these things."
This scripture changed my life today. I have new knowledge, and accordinlgy, a new power: I can understand, and I can heal. I feel emotional.
This process has taught me a lot. My heart aches for all of mine and my children's pain in the now, but also, I feel a sense of joy. I don't ever have to be here again. I can choose a different story. Knowledge is power- it is the power to change and shape a new future. Knowledge gives power to adapt. Not just for myself; I hope we can all shape a new and better future.
Knowledge is sometimes (oftentimes) healing for me. Maybe not instantaneously: A little more each day, as I rehearse the truth to myself in my daily affirmations. There is a lot of healing to be done. Healing of my heart, and healing of my soul. And eventually a healing for my children of the pain they have gone through. Some of which has come by my own hand, so to speak.
Yet, in healing, the lesson does not have to be taken away or forgotten. In fact, it is of the most importance that the lesson is retained and heeded. There seems to be a prejudice to remembering the lessons. Forgiveness is not forgetting. Forgiveness is letting go; it is accepting. It also remembering you chose to let go and accept. And it is remembering why.
That's one thing I love about the Book of Mormon. It is kind of like a journal of lessons which have been learned before. It isn't that the characters we read about haven't been forgiven. In fact, many times, that is exactly why their story is recorded. They were once lost to transgressions and the hatred of the world, but upon discovering Christ, their lives and their hearts are changed. They become brand new and whole. They have a fire lit inside of them. They experience real joy and hope for the first time ever.
Our lives can be full of impactful lessons, too. Let go of the disappointments and sorrows, but, please, never forget the lessons. And never quit striving for the good. The world can only become a better place one day, and one lesson, at a time.
30 "And thus we can plainly discern, that after a people have been once enlightened by the Spirit of God, and have had great knowledge of things pertaining to righteousness, and then have fallen away into sin and transgression, they become more hardened, and thus their state becomes worse than though they had never known these things."
This scripture changed my life today. I have new knowledge, and accordinlgy, a new power: I can understand, and I can heal. I feel emotional.
This process has taught me a lot. My heart aches for all of mine and my children's pain in the now, but also, I feel a sense of joy. I don't ever have to be here again. I can choose a different story. Knowledge is power- it is the power to change and shape a new future. Knowledge gives power to adapt. Not just for myself; I hope we can all shape a new and better future.
Yet, in healing, the lesson does not have to be taken away or forgotten. In fact, it is of the most importance that the lesson is retained and heeded. There seems to be a prejudice to remembering the lessons. Forgiveness is not forgetting. Forgiveness is letting go; it is accepting. It also remembering you chose to let go and accept. And it is remembering why.
That's one thing I love about the Book of Mormon. It is kind of like a journal of lessons which have been learned before. It isn't that the characters we read about haven't been forgiven. In fact, many times, that is exactly why their story is recorded. They were once lost to transgressions and the hatred of the world, but upon discovering Christ, their lives and their hearts are changed. They become brand new and whole. They have a fire lit inside of them. They experience real joy and hope for the first time ever.
Our lives can be full of impactful lessons, too. Let go of the disappointments and sorrows, but, please, never forget the lessons. And never quit striving for the good. The world can only become a better place one day, and one lesson, at a time.
Saturday, July 11, 2015
Something Light
Today I want to include a poem I wrote when I was in fifth grade. I personally believe that a great part of each of us is formed in our childhood. Around this age, age ten I believe, I stopped believing I could be artistic. I quit writing poems and music, and I quit drawing. Part of what I am learning on my journey through divorce is that I need to let go of faulty beliefs. Like "can't".
Henry Ford said, "Whether you believe you can, or you can't, you are right." Poignant.
Today I believe I can. At least, I believe in this moment. I hope to build more on that belief.
"Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith."
I believed when I was ten. Then, one day, for whatever reason- whether someone told me I couldn't, or I thought so, it doesn't really change the outcome- I chose to quit believing. And I chose that direction a little more each day. Until I didn't question that assumption anymore.
Maybe I produced something "bad" at that age. Rather than quitting, what if I had kept attempting? To have taken "bad" as the lesson that it is, and as a necessary piece of growth?
My voice teacher recently told me an incredible story about a man who learned to take the bad pieces of fruit at the grocery store along with the good. The compelling intention of the story is to teach that not all that we do and produce in life can and will be good. The more good we produce, the more likely we are to produce something bad, too. The key to success in life is to take them both as lessons and believe both are part of the process of understanding my talents. And part of building and adding upon them. Bad is not an indication of my talent; or, returning to the story, those fruits are not representative of all fruit, or even the tree.
Life is not static, but ever changing. Life is full of lessons and new beginnings, if only we choose to accept that vision.
Returning to my purpose: Here's my ten year old self's poem:
Winter by Haley Ricker
Winter whispers through the willows,
The snowflakes start to fall.
My mom has told me more than once,
"This is the best Christmas of all."
I went outside to play for a while;
I piled snow into a great pile.
I built up Snowman, fat and round.
I gave him arms; the sticks I found.
At my grandmothers, through the night,
The forest grows thick, white.
In the morning the snow is lost.
I say goodbye to the frost.
Flowers spring up through the ground.
Winter is lost. Spring is found.
Haley
Henry Ford said, "Whether you believe you can, or you can't, you are right." Poignant.
Today I believe I can. At least, I believe in this moment. I hope to build more on that belief.
"Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith."
I believed when I was ten. Then, one day, for whatever reason- whether someone told me I couldn't, or I thought so, it doesn't really change the outcome- I chose to quit believing. And I chose that direction a little more each day. Until I didn't question that assumption anymore.
Maybe I produced something "bad" at that age. Rather than quitting, what if I had kept attempting? To have taken "bad" as the lesson that it is, and as a necessary piece of growth?
My voice teacher recently told me an incredible story about a man who learned to take the bad pieces of fruit at the grocery store along with the good. The compelling intention of the story is to teach that not all that we do and produce in life can and will be good. The more good we produce, the more likely we are to produce something bad, too. The key to success in life is to take them both as lessons and believe both are part of the process of understanding my talents. And part of building and adding upon them. Bad is not an indication of my talent; or, returning to the story, those fruits are not representative of all fruit, or even the tree.
Life is not static, but ever changing. Life is full of lessons and new beginnings, if only we choose to accept that vision.
Returning to my purpose: Here's my ten year old self's poem:
Winter by Haley Ricker
Winter whispers through the willows,
The snowflakes start to fall.
My mom has told me more than once,
"This is the best Christmas of all."
I went outside to play for a while;
I piled snow into a great pile.
I built up Snowman, fat and round.
I gave him arms; the sticks I found.
At my grandmothers, through the night,
The forest grows thick, white.
In the morning the snow is lost.
I say goodbye to the frost.
Flowers spring up through the ground.
Winter is lost. Spring is found.
Haley
Wednesday, July 8, 2015
Help Me Make It There, Let's Get There Together
Helpmeet.
Help. Meet.
Help. Meet.
- I have thought a lot about the term "helpmeet", as used by the lord. Merging the definitions of "help" and "meet", and applying them to the gospel context valued by Latter-day Saints, we get, "to serve someone, or to make it easier for them, (help) to fulfill and satisfy (meet) the plan to raise healthy children in love and righteousness (The Church Proclamation of the Family)."Helpmeet. Beautiful really.So, what happens when someone is alone? The responsibility of both roles falls to that one: to be mother and father. I can tell you that it feels nearly impossible to be both roles. In fact, it may in actuality be impossible to do and receive the same result. I just may have to accept less. I am not the mother alone with two that I was with help. It boils down to values.Consider why with me:
My primary responsibility as a mother is to love and nurture my children. The primary responsibility of a father is to provide for the family. These are conflicting values, even though they come together in two individuals to create harmony and unity in a family. It takes two separate and differing sets of actions to satisfy both. Thus, in one individual it feels like a dichotomy.
Some values play into other similar values; some values can at times compliment other differing values; and some values will always be at odds with each other.
Research tells us that when push comes to shove, and we have few options, the choices we make under pressure will be determined by our core, underlying values. Values such as honesty, integrity, wealth, health, happiness.
I am a single parent. I am the parent of two beautiful children. I am neither mother nor father. I have the obligation to do justice to both. And herein, day by day, lay my struggle. My heart? Well, heart says "You are a mom! You know what really matters here!" But, it is not so simple.
I am in a position where I am being pushed into self sufficiency. But to be self sufficient, my children must suffer. I don't feel better about myself if my children suffer. To focus on my children, our financial means must suffer. I don't necessarily feel bad about struggling financially. But, I do feel bad about placing a perceived burden onto another person. And, it doesn't do to live in poverty in effort to love my children. Because in the long term, the greatest burden is left to them. It is a paradox.
Do the means justify the end? Does the end justify the means?
I hate the space I am in. There really isn't an easy way to satisfy both demands. Something somewhere, usually a someone, must suffer. I must choose. It will be overwhelming. I won't make everyone happy. So in truth, the goal right now is to arrive as closely as possible to meeting my core values, at peace.
Where is the balance for me? My balance will be different than someone else's balance of priorities. The key is to try to surround myself with people who would have similar values. I don't need to compound the guilt of not really meeting any one value in the same capacity I could with help with someone who is trying to pressure me or shame me into another balance- which would suit their values and not mine. I will never fully feel peace if I am not doing all that I can to meet my deepest values. This is what determines self-esteem. Without healthy self-esteem, I will not succeed.
The Lord will guide my family through this process. When I think about the personal nature of inspiration, which conspires with our deepest values, I begin to understand the complexity of the thing. I need to trust my gut instinct. None of us will choose exactly the same, neither will our set of circumstances be the same. I need to have compassion on myself for being different, and for needing help. The Lord doesn't want us to suffer in silence; he wants us to reach out for love and community. On the outside, having never experienced these circumstances, choose love and compassion: Choose to listen and to serve. The worst thing we could do is to choose to judge the one in need. Or to try to fix them.Most days I feel like a failure. My home is chaos. Most of the time I feel annoyed with my kids. I do not get nearly enough sleep at night. I resort to spanking my toddler which is NOT something I believe is good for her self-esteem. She is on my nerves constantly, seeking the love and attention she is not receiving from me. And I? I am desperately focused on "achieving" and "making it", so that my children have chances for opportunities and growth in some distant future in which we have not yet arrived.
But, I do believe the Lord makes all the difference. I believe this was part of what we agreed to face in this earthly probation. His atonement is real, and it is healing. The Atonement forgives my shortcomings, heals my pain, and gives me access to the power to shape a new future and to become a new woman. I am at the beginning of this journey, but I have to have hope and faith that who we will become will be worth the effort.
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