Help. Meet.
- I have thought a lot about the term "helpmeet", as used by the lord. Merging the definitions of "help" and "meet", and applying them to the gospel context valued by Latter-day Saints, we get, "to serve someone, or to make it easier for them, (help) to fulfill and satisfy (meet) the plan to raise healthy children in love and righteousness (The Church Proclamation of the Family)."Helpmeet. Beautiful really.So, what happens when someone is alone? The responsibility of both roles falls to that one: to be mother and father. I can tell you that it feels nearly impossible to be both roles. In fact, it may in actuality be impossible to do and receive the same result. I just may have to accept less. I am not the mother alone with two that I was with help. It boils down to values.Consider why with me:
My primary responsibility as a mother is to love and nurture my children. The primary responsibility of a father is to provide for the family. These are conflicting values, even though they come together in two individuals to create harmony and unity in a family. It takes two separate and differing sets of actions to satisfy both. Thus, in one individual it feels like a dichotomy.
Some values play into other similar values; some values can at times compliment other differing values; and some values will always be at odds with each other.
Research tells us that when push comes to shove, and we have few options, the choices we make under pressure will be determined by our core, underlying values. Values such as honesty, integrity, wealth, health, happiness.
I am a single parent. I am the parent of two beautiful children. I am neither mother nor father. I have the obligation to do justice to both. And herein, day by day, lay my struggle. My heart? Well, heart says "You are a mom! You know what really matters here!" But, it is not so simple.
I am in a position where I am being pushed into self sufficiency. But to be self sufficient, my children must suffer. I don't feel better about myself if my children suffer. To focus on my children, our financial means must suffer. I don't necessarily feel bad about struggling financially. But, I do feel bad about placing a perceived burden onto another person. And, it doesn't do to live in poverty in effort to love my children. Because in the long term, the greatest burden is left to them. It is a paradox.
Do the means justify the end? Does the end justify the means?
I hate the space I am in. There really isn't an easy way to satisfy both demands. Something somewhere, usually a someone, must suffer. I must choose. It will be overwhelming. I won't make everyone happy. So in truth, the goal right now is to arrive as closely as possible to meeting my core values, at peace.
Where is the balance for me? My balance will be different than someone else's balance of priorities. The key is to try to surround myself with people who would have similar values. I don't need to compound the guilt of not really meeting any one value in the same capacity I could with help with someone who is trying to pressure me or shame me into another balance- which would suit their values and not mine. I will never fully feel peace if I am not doing all that I can to meet my deepest values. This is what determines self-esteem. Without healthy self-esteem, I will not succeed.
The Lord will guide my family through this process. When I think about the personal nature of inspiration, which conspires with our deepest values, I begin to understand the complexity of the thing. I need to trust my gut instinct. None of us will choose exactly the same, neither will our set of circumstances be the same. I need to have compassion on myself for being different, and for needing help. The Lord doesn't want us to suffer in silence; he wants us to reach out for love and community. On the outside, having never experienced these circumstances, choose love and compassion: Choose to listen and to serve. The worst thing we could do is to choose to judge the one in need. Or to try to fix them.Most days I feel like a failure. My home is chaos. Most of the time I feel annoyed with my kids. I do not get nearly enough sleep at night. I resort to spanking my toddler which is NOT something I believe is good for her self-esteem. She is on my nerves constantly, seeking the love and attention she is not receiving from me. And I? I am desperately focused on "achieving" and "making it", so that my children have chances for opportunities and growth in some distant future in which we have not yet arrived.
But, I do believe the Lord makes all the difference. I believe this was part of what we agreed to face in this earthly probation. His atonement is real, and it is healing. The Atonement forgives my shortcomings, heals my pain, and gives me access to the power to shape a new future and to become a new woman. I am at the beginning of this journey, but I have to have hope and faith that who we will become will be worth the effort.
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