Simple, Powerful Truth; A Short Reflection; Gratitude

A tender mercy has come to me tonight. Actually, many have come to me through the wonderful people around me. So many have reached out to me and served me today. I'm grateful for every single heart who has loved and lifted my family. In whatever way you could. It was a challenging day, but I have felt comfort and upward motion, and today is now passed. I'm so grateful. 

I do want to share one specific tender mercy: I listened again to Rosemary M Wixom's Conference talk again tonight. One of my major concerns has been one of fear of having to relive a divorce again sometime in the future. I know my heart just couldn't bear it. I've prayed and wept much as I have wanted to know how to be free from this happening again. Tonight, Sister Wixom's talk answered that prayer for me. It may not ensure necessarily that my family will never experience such a trial, but she does give answers to many of my deepest pains and fears. It's difficult to explain: I don't think anyone can with 100% certainty know they will not be faced with divorce in some distant future. But, I do know the Lord has given me a specific answer through her talk. It feels that way. 

As Sister Wixom shares, I know I can ease my burdens and lessen my trials by seeking the divine nature within me. It will narrow the path before me and set me firmly on a foundation which will bring me home to my Heavenly Father. And with such a focus, my vision will be better suited for finding a compatible partner for the journey. I really worry for my family, and I hope to set a worthy example for my children as they seek their own divine natures and paths back home. 

Thanks for letting me share, and for giving me space for hope and love again. I wouldn't be where I am if I didn't have so many beautiful friendships with people who have strong ties to the gospel. I love you all. Good night, sweet friends.

The Last Day of Forever: Personal Reflections

Today is the last day of my eternal marriage- a day I truly didn't believe would ever come. My heart is broken and I'm so deeply at a loss for the meaning I feel in my heart and how to place that into words. There aren't words to describe the sorrow and the sense of loss. Which is strange for a feeling which presses itself upon me- upon my soul and my heart- with such depth and magnitude. There must be some form of expression, yet I have not found it. 

I know many of you are not of my faith, and I don't mean to press my beliefs on you. I feel to share some of my thoughts and they can be taken or left at your own pleasure.

I feel with certainty there is no deeper heart ache to me than the ache of one who is lost, when considering all of the possibility before what once was two, or a partnership. I believe there is absolute truth, and divinity, and I also believe in the one who is just the opposite. I believe there is a definite force for good, and a definite and cunning force for sorrow. I believe there is an eternal purpose for each of us that is greater than our comprehension, and that the crowning moments of our lives revolve around choosing our families and our eternal partnership in that union. I believe the greatest empowerment comes from honoring those promises and covenants that we make to that one other, God, and the resulting lives who follow, and I believe the greatest freedom comes from honesty and purity in heart. Everything about the world we live in is driving us away from the sanctity of the role of spouses and this special union between two souls. There is so much good to be had and love to be shared, and trust and honor to be shared between two people, in addition to the power we are given by God to create our own families and the spirit which is in them. There is nothing more tragic than when a family falls apart. Nothing more preventable, and nothing more destructive. Souls heal, and people move forward, but the tragedy remains and the children forever are impacted by those choices. That's a pain and a loss that cannot quite find itself wholly in expression. It's something to be felt and understood spiritually. I believe in our right to choose, and in the right of each person to make their own choices, but I also believe that every choice has a resulting and unavoidable, and one day undeniable, consequence (for which we will be held accountable). My heart couldn't bear this day passing without my honesty, and I only feel to share these really personal beliefs with each of you. I thank you for your respect and your love and support.

I also wanted to say, I do know this is a beautiful opportunity to begin again and to really understand the gift of the atonement. But, I feel I wouldn't be true to myself if I didn't own how tragic this feels to me, and how differently I will see the world because of this day. I'm free to choose, and I choose happiness. But I have to work through and understand pain to reach joy. Please, if you have a moment and you feel to, send up prayers for my family on this day. All of us, including Ryan. Thank you.

Sister of My Faith

Young sister of faith, you are on my heart tonight. I pray for you. I pray this message reaches you. I pray that truth is found here and that I am able to share what you need to hear.

Young sister, you are living in a world that doesn't know you; not really. This is what I want you to understand.

Today I was spending time with you, one of my favorite teenage friends. You confided to me that you wish you had a different body. My heart felt so much for you, and I was overwhelmed with sadness. You are amazing! I wanted to tell you. I wanted you to know who you are to the Lord, and what the truth is. Please, don't forget who you are while you journey through this compelling world.

You are divine; you are a daughter of your heavenly father. I know, this has been hammered into your head since you could first walk yourself to primary class. But, believe me, coming from a woman who converted to the Church after my young women years, I want you to know that there is nothing truer about your identity.

Oh, young woman, you are beautiful! You are not your waist, your bust, nor your booty measurements. You are not the color of your skin, or the length of your hair. In fact, all of these things trivialize your true identity and the import of the fact that you even have a body here on this earth. Your body is a blessing, and you earned it. It identifies you as having kept your first estate, and your body has become a symbol of your commitment to Heavenly Father. He is so proud of you!

You know better than anyone there is one who wants you to forget this truth, and to lose your sense of self. His goal is for you to hate that gift, rather than to honor it and understand it, and who you are.

I want to reiterate that your body is a symbol: It is a symbol of who you have chosen to become. You chose to learn from Heavenly Father, and to keep your first estate. Your body is powerful. It houses your eternal spirit and becomes a vehicle to unlock the powers of heaven in your life. You are powerful. You have the power to do great good, or great evil, or to be lukewarm. You have the power to create. You have the power to become like Heavenly Father.

I know the trials of this world for females, and the impact it leaves on our souls. We believe and buy into what the world teaches us because we want to ensure our success. We want to be seen as beautiful, and we long to be told we are loved. I weep for the pain and shame you have felt regarding your body. The Lord does not see it that way. The Lord sees your soul for all that it is, and all that it can be, and He loves you perfectly.

 If the world knows the beauty of a body, it doesn't know the beauty of a soul: The world does not understand what we know about the soul. We know that our souls are the uniting of our body and spirit. Our bodies are so incredible, and they are miracles. The worth of your soul is great! Your body is part of that ticket, and is great in the sight of the Lord. There is no greater blessing our Father can give us than to keep that union for eternity and use it to its fullest potential. That IS the symbol of eternity for Latter-day Saints. The next time you see someone send a message that your body is only worth its image, know they are missing the most important piece of knowledge regarding the subject; stand as a witness to that knowledge.

Young woman of faith, please love your body, and bless yourself by keeping it healthy. Do amazing things with it. Use it for good and not for self gain or gratification. Those are dead end streets full of pain and sorrow. And never forget the Atonement of Jesus Christ heals all wounds and weaknesses. It is never too late to return to who you were and live up to your divine potential.

Your body is a gift to you. Pray to be grateful, and to see it for what it truly is, and love the one who gave it to you. Know that I love you, and that I am praying for you too. You will make it.

I say this in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

One Season At A Time

It's been a while since I have felt I could sit down and make any sense of my situation. I feel a little more balanced today, which is interesting because I also feel a little more broken today than I have in this process. I guess being centered has nothing to do with whether I am broken or whole. Truly, my heart aches. So, here's the truth: I don't have a direction today, and I just feel to write and let the pieces fall into place.

I watched a movie today in the Cardio Cinema where I like to work out, and I felt triggered by one of the characters. Rather than fleeing and walking away deflated, I decided to discover what it was that I was experiencing. This woman was only valued for her sexuality and her body. She was beautiful. I thought initially that the insecurity must have been rooted in feeling like I didn't measure up to her standard of sex appeal. But, as I reflected a little more deeply, I don't think that is true. Men don't value just one type of woman or body type. It's a false idea and a hurtful subject because we teach ourselves to believe it. But, that isn't true. And I know that I am a beautiful person too.

What I think it came down to is that there is a sense in the deepest place of my heart that sex is overplayed and overvalued in our culture. Or maybe what I am trying to say is that there is a level of sexual expression in the world that I live in which doesn't suit my values. I think sex is very important, please don't misunderstand me. In my opinion, it's not all-important. What I discovered about myself today is that I am living in a world moving a different direction than I am, and I am feeling very vulnerable. I am feeling vulnerable because I lost my husband for this exact reason: we see things differently and we value different things. Specifically sexual expression. And I realized that it feels humiliating to be measured by such a small piece of what I am, as who I am. That's where my heart feels tender. I feel degraded and objectified, and I don't think the truth will ever be full here. I don't know if it will be admitted or owned that this marriage fell apart for such a shallow reason- that I wasn't seen as a human being. If we really see someone, all of someone, then how can we hurt that person intentionally and repeatedly? Or repeatedly degrade them? Or repeatedly and finally throw away the eternal promises we made with that person for such a momentary, and surface inquiry, experience? IF we really SAW people as people, and understood the import of such a thing, could there be such experiences? I don't know. In truth, I think that is part of the journey we are making in this life. We will inevitably hurt others. Sometimes intentionally and sometimes not. What I am trying to get at here is that I don't think it needs to remain that way. I think the kind of seeing I want to have is seeing life through spiritual eyes.

I know I am just living in a broken world view because of my experiences and my pain, but I find myself wondering if anyone sees with spiritual eyes anymore. Of course people do. And then the Lord resurfaces the people who do, and with whom he has blessed me, by bringing them into my circles again. And He brings more wonderful people into my life. And I have to own that I didn't have faith. That my faith was wavering, even as I desperately try to draw nearer.

I realize the answer is simple, and not so simple. All I have to do is hold on with a steadfastness of faith, and allow myself to learn from my mistakes. But, I have to hold on with faith and recognize the thinking which caused my mistakes: A quantum leap; a test of my humility and resolve. It's so much easier said than done, and it reminds me that life really is as hard as my heart. I choose how I view life, and how I let my emotions color my life. Emotions are real, and they help me understand myself better. They also reveal thinking patterns which are not helpful, or lack truth. It's a bit overwhelming for me right now. I am going to leave this thought where it is.

It's been two weeks to the day since my first night in my new apartment. That day was a really hard, and also a really beautiful, day. I prepared for it, knowing it would be difficult, and believed Heavenly Father would make the day what it needed to be for me. Many blessings were given to me, and it did beautiful things for my faith. One particular experience that evening moves my heart. It is sacred to me, but I feel to share it.

Between shifts of people helping me move my boxes, at about six o'clock, I found myself alone in my new place. With nothing more to move, and a few minutes until I needed to be at my old apartment to meet the Elders Quorum so they could help me move my furniture, I decided to open the blinds to let the light in. As the blinds opened, a really beautiful fall evening light filtered into my home, and my heart, and I realized this was an opportunity to move forward in my life. Fall is a season in the cycle of life which provides for reflection before the winter comes. As things settle, and some things die, others simplify, and the winter fills the space of time to let old things rest and to provide space for the new; to prepare for spring and new life. It made me realize that this is the fall of my life, and that I am now preparing for what's coming in the winter, so that I can live for spring, and become the kind of person I want to be, and live the life I want to live. I am overcome even now as I think about the blessing of the truth in that moment.

And it sheds light on another truth. Sometimes everything must crumble to the ground, to be lost, for something new to come from it. My old life, and my old ways of thinking, have come crashing down. Now I have the opportunity to reflect and build upon a steadier foundation. That is my prayer.