Post-Grad

I graduated with my Bachelor's last week. Yay! Considering the five year process of growth I've been through, I thought I could share some lessons I've learned from struggling and being in therapy as a single parent in college. 

First Lesson: Life invites us to grow. To be human is having weaknesses which eventually must change. To live a full life, it's my theory that we ought to enlarge our character and capacity. And we can only do that by being willing to change our patterns of thought and behavior.

But first, questions: Why do we fear change? What's that about? And can you relate to the idea of fearing change? Here's a twist. Is it change that we fear?

Personally, I wonder if sometimes it's our failures or flaws we fear will be exposed, and cloak with the idea of change because we are so reticent to talk about what it means to have weaknesses. I think we're terrified of being seen as having weaknesses because we have to rumble with what it means to be weak. My worthiness gets triggered.

What I really want to address today is the power of being willing to change, and the power of being someone who optimistically views people and relationships. But, to be willing to change, we have to be okay with not having it all figured out and admitting that we makes mistakes sometimes. That's just a normal, healthy part of being human.

So... before we move on, can we embrace the idea that we need to change? 

If you're not convinced, tune in to any news station and consider the result of our collective unwillingness to change. It's devastating and destructive. We really just continue to hurt each other instead of embracing each other and understanding one another. Maybe it's time we let go of old ideas and foster new ones. 

So maybe it's better just to get comfortable addressing our weaknesses so that we can make the world a better place. And to choose people who love us because of our weakness, trusting that we will continue to change. I promise you, we don't want to be loved despite our flaws; we want people around us who love us and still help us embrace our need for character growth. It's a really powerful quality of healthy relationships to be loved as an imperfect human, not an object or a product. It's saying, "I'll stand beside you and give you love and support, refusing to criticize you, while you grow. Essentially, I just want you in my life and I trust you to do better as you grow. Sometimes I will give you kind feedback about where you need to grow." That's love.

So, another question: Do you want a world that's safe physically and emotionally?

Consider this poem from Shel Silverstein that I read to my kids tonight:

"Ations"

"If we meet and I say 'hi', 

that's a salutation.

If you ask me how I feel, 

that's consideration.

If we stop and talk awhile,

that's a conversation.

If we understand each other,

that's communication.

If we argue, scream and fight,

that's an altercation.

If later we apologize,

that's reconciliation.

If we help each other home, 

that's cooperation.

And all these ations added up

make civilization.

(and if I  say this is a wonderful poem, 

is that exaggeration?)

I was inspired by this poem. Each "ation" adds up to civilization. And the only "ation"we're nailing right now collectively and potentially individually is "altercation". We're not considering, conversing, communicating, reconciling, or cooperating. At least collectively. We are so wedded to our own ideas that we're not willing to see people anymore. And that's all sides.

We're becoming a really selfish people, and selfishness is contrary to civilization. The only way to change the world is not to obsess over ideology, but to change the way we treat the people around us. Even the people who we think get it wrong. We correct nothing in society by reiterating the same wrong behavior from a different point of view. 

We change the world by choosing to respect regardless of anothers' choices or characteristics— by choosing to respect all of the humanity that we cross. The problem isn't about color, sex, orientation, or ideology, or who's the "President", it's about respecting the life and dignity of a human. We've lost what it means to respect in this country. It's a powerful message that we communicate when we choose to respect another. And it's also really indicative of my character when I choose not to respect. And I only place false blame on someone else if I try to justify that choice with any reason. Respect should not be conditional. 

It was always about me when I chose to disrespect someone else. 

That's the lesson we need to be teaching. Your disrespect is about your relationship with humanity, not me nor my ideology or existence. And there's no excuse for choosing to disrespect someone else, including their property and our social contract. I think we need to be responsible and accountable to our own character, and begin to change. 

Let's get back to those other "ations". Pay attention to how others feel, even if it's different than you, you can still respect them. Understand others, deepen your intelligence, and respect them for their differences, even when it's hard. Even if we both cloak our disagreement with ideology and "human rights", we're still both humans, and we continue to forge our character with every human we interact with. This is as simple as assuming that their concerns have real merit, and addressing those concerns. We can and ought to do this for each other. This is civilization. And, it's time to apologize and live with greater respect for our ideological differences. Actually, it's imperative we stop calling each other evil. We are not each others' enemies. 

Reasoning one with another is a powerful tool. I believe there's merit in seeing another's perspective, connecting with their concerns, and explaining our own. We add more power to our ability to problem solve for all of humanity, and to avoid the pitfalls of our own views. "Come, and let us reason one with another." I think truth speaks for itself, and people are often intrigues by truth, so we ought to choose reason and respect when we interact. There's a way to pull each other closer and in. Otherwise we turn people away. A friend of mine in her eighties a few months ago said that she missed the days when we would sit on each others' porches, and reason and be friendly. We had optimistic views about our ability to relate. I think we can change, and make this a reality again, if we stop distancing with "us and them" attitudes. 

My favorite line is "If we help each other home, that's cooperation." We are humanity; we are brothers and sisters, knit together by virtue of existing on the planet at the same time. This is our home, and we must help each other make it a safer, better place. Every action we take impacts this home we live in. We either create more optimism, or we choose to be selfish and deepen division. And the selfishness is devastating to our society. Yes, there is real evil. But instead of taking down the evil, we're burning each other to the ground. That's a greater threat to humanity and civilization than the real evils out there because we're allowing ourselves to be the perpetrators without being willing to see it, especially with trying to justify our behaviors by siting someone else as being at fault. That pattern is part of lacking accountability and intelligent action.  AND we're not uniting to bring down the threats. It's a two-pronged failure. 

Let's cooperate and make this home better for all of us. It happens by practicing the virtues that Shel Silverstein sought to teach children (and their parents reading his poems). Yes, this takes willingness; yes, this takes a recognition of our weaknesses and where we need to change; and, yes, that takes bravery and hard work. But, nothing matters more than what we do from this point forward.