Written for a Tribalry group called "Saints and Sisters" on February 7th, 2016.
I had an epiphany today. It came to me because I was having a really ugly attitude, I mean really ugly, this week. I am glad that due solely to my time spent in therapy that I stopped to consider and to understand what was happening inside of me. (I’ll have to let my therapist know.)
I discovered an emptiness and an insecurity there.
So much of my life right now is dedicated to God and I am grateful for each opportunity. I am serving in the Relief Society Presidency, I am attending BYU, I am a mom, I am a Latter-day Saint, and I am many other things. I am doing my best in all of these areas of my life. But it is HARD- harder than anything I have experienced in life- and this week I am finding a bitter and angry part of me coming out, and an almost obsessive and pervasive neediness surfacing in me. I am feeling undone, and insecure, and alone. And I am being mean and I am mad.
Don’t look at me wrong!
I was spending a lot of my time blaming my circumstances and especially blaming my ex. If he hadn’t this, and if I didn’t have to be alone that. Which led to justifications like Since x, then I’m just going to have to y (cue mommy temper tantrum, a Haley pity party, or a large bag of chocolate chips, which is my current even as I type). I suddenly recognized that I was going into victim mode, and I was choosing to remove myself from the power that God has for me in every moment and from His joy.
It’s interesting to note that the reason I found myself here is because of my own self-imposed notions of what each aspect of my life needed to be. I am quite literally breaking myself against a wall of perfectionism and expectation. Even as I am rehearsing to myself that my intention in life is to glorify God, I’m still trying to define for myself what that is, rather than asking God. Oh, I can be woefully prideful.
As I become more aware of my current circumstances and direction, I am able to glance back at the Lord’s course and recognize that I deviated, and that the only true way is through acceptance and knowledge. His acceptance and knowledge. And that I need to ask him for those blessings, and to adopt his vision.
I’m not sure whether my tendency for pride was present from the outset. I don’t recall having that feeling or recognition in myself, but it did eventually surface. I’m sure it was just dormant because I was comfortable and confident, and it took a trial to get here. What I do know now is that even with my best intentions, I fall short of the Lord’s glory because I am still learning, and still quite young.
Brad Wilcox taught in our Book of Mormon class on Wednesday that God doesn’t call the best and the brightest and the perfect; he calls those who are willing to serve. Willing. That’s all he asks of us. We are literally called to be servants of our Heavenly Father, and we are chosen because of our willingness to serve, not because of our ability or talent in serving. All he is asking is that we let him guide us along the way and that we are willing to take our cues from him.
Um, what? That’s too simple, isn’t it? That’s not something I easily accept or understand. It just doesn’t work that way in my mind. I have too many measures and expectations, and I am working way too hard over here earning my worth to stop and listen to that.
But, I am learning (in the depths of my soul) that there is nothing more true about God. He’ll accept everything we offer him with a willing heart.
Every time I realize that God loves me immensely in this moment, and that he is proud of who I am, I feel great emotion, as if my spirit is adamantly confirming this truth to me. God loves us much more than we can comprehend, in every moment of our lives; even during the ugliest and the darkest moments. And I mean the ugliest. Even in the moments we don’t want anyone else to know existed. And we fear might exist again in the future. There is no end to God’s love. He is not ashamed of us, and he always has a way provided for us to get back to him no matter where we are standing.
All that we have to do is be willing: Willing to admit the truth, willing to acknowledge our faults and limitations, willing to be imperfect, and willing to trust his love and accept his guidance more than anything else in life. I cannot do this alone, and I am starting to realize I don’t even want to try to do it alone anymore. Life is way too painful and I am way too fallible and emotional. I will fail, maybe not immediately, but certainly, without God’s power.
I know that each of us has and will experience pain in this life. I know that each of us is imperfect, and each of us has our own demons. I know that we will feel insecure, hurt, and mean at some point during our journey through life. I hope that during these dark, painful, and lonely moments, or after as the case may be, that we will feel and remember that God loves us. I wish I could find words for the testimony I have in my heart to describe this truth: He is peacefully and patiently waiting and yearning for us to return to being receptors of his light. He is always shining, and extending forth light, love, and good; we just have to tune in to receive it.
I just want to testify of God’s love for each one of us. There is quite literally nothing we can do to dim his love. We cannot lose his love; it is not possible. We always stand to gain everything God has to offer his children. All we have to do is be willing to believe his words, willing to trust his love, and willing to accept his course. And then we will never fail. No matter how much we want to convince ourselves we have, we never will.
I love each of you, and I know God is proud of you. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
