Power To Stay

This morning I wanted to go to the Provo City Center Temple with Alina and Kelton. It was a dark and drizzly day, and beautifully green in the hills and the grass. It was a little reminiscent of Oregon. It felt like the perfect day to go to the temple. Especially because it has been a long time since I have been. The need to go was surfacing in my prayers and Sunday worship, and I felt a profound longing in my heart this morning.

Several wedding parties were gathering about the temple as we drove past toward the lower parking lot. This observation felt sweet and hopeful (for the parties involved) to me today. Alina noticed while we were seeking parking (which we found easily because a sweet old couple hurried out of their space for us) that the garage held no empty spaces. She remarked, “Mommy, how are we going to find parking with so many people here? There’s nowhere to park.” As I considered all I was seeing along our way, I  pondered how many weddings had already been scheduled there and all of the people who had been impacted by this temple, and how great of a blessing this temple is to our community-- that the parking situation every time we visit is evidence to that fact. I started to share these thoughts with Alina when a wave of emotion passed through me, and my voice caught in my throat. This response felt powerful, and surprising, to me. In that moment I knew that what I was sharing with her was true, and I felt a profound reverence for the temple, and tears of gratitude. My heart felt full.

Our visit to the temple felt sacred and I felt the spirit. As we walked and viewed, and I pondered, my mind kept feeling “staying power” impressed upon it. I felt the gravity and weight of those words in my bones. I scanned the intricate craftsmanship and the front elevation of the temple and I kept sensing those words in my mind.

Temples are the only institutions in the world which provide staying power for our souls: they are anchors. They keep us tied to our fullest potential and the most beautiful pieces of our souls. I feel grounded there. When we incorporate God’s temples into our lives there is security in our families and peace in our homes because there is honor and cleanliness in our hearts. We are reminded of who we are and our greatest purpose here. I don’t mean to be presumptuous in speaking for others, I just know that this is a common experience for those who come to the temple. On a personal note, I came away with a deeper feeling of love in my heart because of the spirit I felt there. And I was gently reminded that everything is going to be O.K. and that I need to trust God’s plan. As I faithfully walk the path He has prepared for me by keeping the sacred promises I made to Him, I will find deeply embedded in my heart the power to stay with Him.

I felt to weep throughout our wanderings in the temple grounds today. I was so touched. God’s love is real, and freely given. I felt impregnable to doubts and insecurities, and I wasn’t even inside His sacred house on this occasion (because I had my children with me); I was only on the grounds. No other thing in this world has brought me such peace and security. I feel like I know my future best and I feel most confident in myself when I am in His house. I feel that I sense who I am to Him, and a renewal of faith in all that He has promised me and asked me to do. Which meant so much to me today. Recently I have begun to doubt myself and my abilities in school and supporting my family, and  those stresses are impacting my ability to connect with Alina and Kelton well. I should say fears rather than stresses, although they do feel stressful too.

Today I felt my concerns give way to hope and belief. I realized I can’t give up. God is with me and everything is going to work out in the end.


Addendum added May 22, 2016

Today in Relief Society we read "Be An Example And A Light" by President Monson. It was the perfect summary of some of the feelings I held in my heart and the thoughts which came to my mind as I pondered the Church, and Christ's work. The gospel brings us light through a step by step process which increases over exposure and belief; this light is discernible in our countenance. I loved rereading this talk today- it affirmed to me what I felt while we walked the temple grounds yesterday. I am so grateful for the gospel, and the spirit of truth. I love our Father in Heaven and I am grateful for the plan He has for each of us.

"She"

I peer into my own eyes in the mirror tonight, and wonder why I need someone else’s approval now. I used to be strong, and sure. I used to love who I saw in that reflection. I was proud, but... a little too proud?

    

    Here we are, she and I. We stare through a new, flawed lens, and she doesn’t really compare. I obsess and seek compliments and validation to mitigate the pain. The same thinking coming into my head “if he would only recant everything he said that was mean”. But, it’s all a lie (really), and I will never win when I look through that lens. Life is not about competition and praise from my friends.

    I sigh, and look away, and part of me begs to have that old lens restored: To see myself the same, for the feeling of power and self-assured. No sense of insecurity. No longing. My mind, “Please, take away the pain and let me see and feel what I need to be true again.” 
But the truth is, I am not understanding the purpose of the pain and the meaning behind the desire. Because in reality the desire is about protection, not perfection. I tire, as I keep looking, sensing, thinking, feeling, sorting. Not quite yet understanding the disconnect as I strain to see that old “she”.

    That friend, oh “she”. Or… or was "she" a friend? Now that I think about her, I can’t quite recall. The memories flood back to me. I don’t think “she” loved me much... Did “she” at all? Who was that “she”? And what was her life? The more that I think, I turn up her strife. Imperfections, her crazes, her fears. Her angers and weakness, madness, strivings, late nights crying, loneliness, black-outs, no sense of direction and purpose… Pain.

    Whoa! Something feels strange. That's not what I thought. That was the way it was all supposed to be. She was supposed to be the best, that old me, “she”. That was all supposed to be right. The way to live, the way to love, not a barrier to the light. But time has changed everything, and for all the pain and abuse, I see the world with new light and through new eyes and with new use. This new lens, superimposed upon a human begging for truth. Desperate to receive, seeking for plain sight.

    The deepest part of me doesn’t want to let “she” go. Everything “she” represented was perfect. It was beautiful, and flawless. I JUST want him to see what he’s missing... Don’t you realize? How could you ask such a thing of me? The internal struggle raging for days... Weeks. Years. Needing validation that “she” will never receive.

    
One day she gives it to herself.

    Slowly. A day at a time, false representations of the past dissipate from her mind. The need for a false sense of security, and the lies, going too. "She's" mind, in deeper inquiry has found the faults to reveal. The truth is spoken; the peace, real. Her mind illuminated, the heart begins to heal.

    The most beautiful thing that “she” is realizing is that “she” was enough, all along.

The Lakota

Usually by Wednesdays and Thursdays I find myself in tears. It's the third or fourth day in a row, depending on the schedule for the week, that I have been without my children and without family. Mondays in the morning my children go to their daddy's house for either three or four days while I spend a few days solely focused on school and working to support our family. As a single mother.

So the tears wash over me. The feelings of loneliness intense, and the prayer for motivation and the will to keep moving, my song. Part of the tears are due to the time I have to reflect on the absence of close family ties. This isn't my native state, nor my familiar way of living, and it feels terrifying and unknown. It isn't comfortable. I have never been here, and I have very few around me who have walked the path before me. Realizing this always leaves me feeling overcome and small. I'm just so grateful for my faith in God and for his hand in shaping my life.

Today, though the tears are laced with many of these same themes, I find myself crying for different reasons as well. I have been reading Joe Starita's work called "The Dull Knifes of Pine Ridge" for my history class which follows five generations of Native American Sioux's who better identify themselves as Lakota. Within the pages of this work, we see the history of the Lakota tribe expressed through their lens regarding the time period of the "Indian Problem" in America. I connect with many of their yearnings and pains, although my experiences are muted by the scale of their experiences.

I think what I find so astounding as I read through these pages is how much I understand the sadness and fear these people experienced. The story is a story of humans, not "Indians", and their depression and oppression very real and profound. I feel it in my heart, and I understand their perspective. They were an unselfish, and basically peaceful people, who lived a "primitive" way of life. And for it, they were misunderstood and marginalized. Fear and hysteria motivated most of the actions surrounding the force used against a suffering nation of people with different and unusual ways.

 But, their real story is one of family, love, brotherhood, gentility, and respect. Their ties to family and the land they lived off of were strong, and they were slow to react and quick to see and understand the meaning of events around them. As I read their stories and their words, my heart weeps for their gentleness and kindness. My heart aches for their losses and for the way they were treated and discriminated against by our young government. A government with motivations very different from their own.

The book carefully lays out and contrasts the ways of the government from the ways of the Lakota, and I can't help but be struck by the misunderstandings, propaganda, and injustice of the time against these people. The movement was very similar to, and in many ways, a reflection of, the same themes that led to abuse and oppression of African Americans. Much was equally unprovoked, and equally unjust.

Inside of this framework, the threads of the Lakota narrative weaves a tapestry of a people genuine and kind, self-sufficient based upon nomadic ways of living, and encouraging to the human spirit. As I read their narratives, and attend to the words they use and their descriptions of what they experienced before and after the white settler, it is so hard to overlook their values of peace, gratitude, faith, and work. Family was a rich heritage, and they had unwritten rules based around respect of how to treat other peoples and tribes. They respected the human experience, and they also respected the heritage and experience of each creature.

 What's so interesting and surprising to me is the misconceptions I have held of Native Americans. I was taught that they were a fierce and barbaric people, scalping enemies and constantly at war with one another over silly squabbles. Nighttime raids and selfish and wild behavior the definition of their ways. But, much of this was a projection of our fears: Our hysteria and crave to expand across the US- for wealth and gold, and land to conquer- colored our ideas about these foreign and different cultures. Cultures in which the "warrior" was honored and praised as a protector of the people and families, and their culture.

It's impossible to know exactly how things unfolded in retrospect, and whether other natives unfairly massacred and attacked families heading west unprovoked. But, I have read enough from both the US Government resources and the narratives of the Lakota regarding their interactions in this time period to realize that sometimes in our struggle for power, we can be brutal and selfish, and then rationalize away our behaviors in Christian ideals, which were not the driving forces behind our actions. I weep for the pain and devastation these people experienced at the hands of our ancestors, and I take it as a warning.

I keep coming back to the principles I am learning in psychology and therapy. Often, it is easy for nations with many comforts and advances to begin to digress from things of most value and most likely to produce happiness to things of lesser value but which elevates pride and individuality. I don't mean to suggest being an individual is incorrect or "bad", but emphasis on the individual does have some inherent weaknesses that might be wise to acknowledge. I guess there is a lot to be said about the ills of consumerism and the focus on "I", but I don't really want to take up that charge today.

Honestly, what stands out to me today is how losing heritage and culture for the Lakota, and many other native nations, drove them to give up and led to depression and alcoholism, which were forces introduced by the white nation. Everything of value to the Lakota's had been stripped away and the government tried to make them more "white", or WASP, which was "white-anglo-saxon-protestants", by sending them to militant schools which taught them to be more "civilized" and give up their traditions. This was only accepted under the premise of fierce government oppression and brutal and unprovoked force which sent the statement that there was no other option for these native nations. Which led to hopelessness, and idleness, and alcoholism and abuse.

It's fascinating to me to read their words and their values from the LDS lens that I use to see the world because I see how their culture actually values many of the same ideals that drive my faith. Families and honor and working with their own hands, patience and peace, honesty and rich history, and faith. "Heathanistic" emphasis on "we" rather than "I" like the American civilized society. I think we often wonder about the atrocities surrounding Hitler and Stalin, but we forget about our own historical atrocities regarding African Americans, Orients, and African Americans. The threads are the same, and the outcomes equally as devastating.

What's my point? That's a great question. I think history is worth minding because we can learn many great lessons about what works for society and what leads to atrocity. Greed and egocentrism don't tend to take humanity very far in the right direction, and tend to leave a wake of pain and devastation. I think these atrocities remind us of the value of cultivating the gentler impulses and values of humans. I think it's worth reminding that civilizations tend to fail with too much focus on wealth and the individual because it isn't long before anything goes for us to reach those goals. There is so much more to be said and extrapolated from this theme, but I will leave that to much more educated and eloquent minds than my own.

Thanks for going on this journey with me. I hope to remember the lessons I have learned from the Dull Knifes of the Lakota Tribe.

Grace

Sometimes I find in my scripture study a gentle rebuke from the Lord, but at the same time renewed hope for the future. This morning was one of those studies. And honestly, I think I did need it. I am having a really hard time keeping up on my studies, and I really just want to be able to be the A student that I was before. I was pretty whiny in my prayer this morning with Heavenly Father, and this was his response:

4 That they should let no pride nor haughtiness disturb their peace; that every man should esteem his neighbor as himself, laboring with their own hands for their support.

5 Yea, and all their priests and teachers should labor with their own hands for their support, in all cases save it were in sickness, or in much want; and doing these things, they did abound in the grace of God.

I really love that I can turn to the Lord in prayer and receive direct answers from his words. I didn't realize I was being prideful, but that's exactly what was happening inside of me. Rather than asking to understand the plan that he had in store for me, I was feeling like a victim and wanting to decide my own path. I wasn't trusting the Lord's way.

I really love the focus on grace: "and in doing these things, they did abound in the grace of God." I've come to realize that grace is the only real way to be saved by the Lord, and my greatest hope is to believe in grace and allow it to shape the person I become. Now I realize that the formula is much simpler than I thought (and maybe wanted it to be).

I am reminded, again, that the Lord is not asking me for high marks, or perfect house keeping. He is asking me to walk the path ahead of me, one day at a time, one prayer at a time, and one spirit-filled moment at a time. He is asking me to work, to be humble, and to walk the path he gave me by faith.

I guess I was forgetting that it is such a blessing to be where I am, and that the Lord has beautiful things he wants me to do. Which is true for all of his children. He has a beautiful life and path for each of us. Grace is the way to my greatest successes and joys in life. In fact, it is the only way by which to achieve the best of my abilities. If I do nothing else in this life, I hope to be doing what it takes to have the power of God active in my life.

Believing in Good Enough

Sometimes I feel defeated (read: since I've been back in school), and I have to remind myself that the fact that I am still moving is good and enough. The fact that I am hoping to believe is good enough. I have high expectations of myself, and it's hard to accept that I can be imperfect but still working to achieve excellence at the same time. I can't always make it to class, or take midterms on time or fully prepared. Not all of my assignments will be turned in on time (some.. many.. won't be turned in at all). And I wonder, "where is the line between excuses and doing my best?" So often, I feel alone and insecure. Here's what I've realized this morning: 
When I take God literally and allow him to heal the way that I see myself and others, then I realize God isn't asking me for perfection and superhuman ability- he's asking me for faith.

He is asking me to believe him. He is asking me to remember who I am and to have faith in what I can accomplish by his power, and what he has promised me is mine. He's reminding me that there is no limit to what I can be and do other than my own fears and expectations.

He is asking me to love myself and to see myself with the same tenderness and love that he sees me. He is asking me to see my talents and my person the way that he does.

He knows I will be imperfect and that I will not be my best especially at the beginning of this journey.

He knows that I don't have all of the information and habits right now.

He knows that sometimes I choose to eat a chocolate muffin and take a long bath instead of working on an assignment, going to class, and doing my laundry. 

He knows I am overwhelmed and faithless, and scared, and need to remember to BREATHE.

He knows how small I feel and how overwhelming the tasks before me seem.

He knows I feel alone.

He also knows that I can't do what he is asking of me alone.

And that's what he is trying to remind me. He never asked me to walk this path alone; he asked me to walk this path with faith and with hope. The kind of hope that brings brightness into my vision and which elevates my vision. He just wants me to see the light, and have faith in its power. And then he wants me to learn to ask for that power to change me. 
I think this is always the root of my struggle. When I remember who I am and the power that is available to me, I feel secure and safe. I've seen his miracles and I know his power is real. And I achieve amazing things that I can't take credit for, and that's the plan. It's so beautiful.

It's when I forget to reach and recall that I begin to sink. I think of Peter's experience with these principles. "He defied science by walking on water toward the savior, and then lost faith and that's when he sank into the water" said one general authority, and I'm paraphrasing. 
That's exactly the pattern I see in my life. Sometimes it is simultaneous as the miracles occur that I begin to falter.

I know I can't keep it up or do anything greater. I know my own weaknesses, and I, because of my focus on them, I want to give up hope and I lose the power. But the miracle is evidence of God's power and love, so how does this happen? Even as the savior is blessing and buoying me up, and showing me what he can make me, I forget to give him the credit and to believe in his power.

What I realize today is that I just need to recognize and feel gratitude for God's mercy and the savior's atonement and allow them to magnify my vision of myself in God's plan. I need to trust God and believe in Christ. My prayer is to learn to believe more fully in order to have greater access to God's power in my life.

Testimony of The Book of Mormon to My Daughter

I am currently taking a class on the Book of Mormon at BYU taught by Brad Wilcox. I love him so dearly. One of my assignments was to write my testimony of the Book of Mormon for someone specific. I just opened the copy of the Book of Mormon I used when I converted to The Church, and this is what I wrote in its pages for my daughter, Alina, last June, with some updates included from today.

Alina Adelle,

    This was the book mommy read when I converted to The Church. I know the words of these prophets are true, and the promises the Lord recorded in these pages are obtainable for us, too.

    I love you. You are a daughter of great worth to your Heavenly Parents. They love you infinitely and have many beautiful blessings in store for you, if you will seek them; promises of glory, joy, and deliverance. Promises of power. These pages are power, and they will change your heart and perfect your nature. You cannot fail with the power of the Lord on your side.

    Many people have prayed over these pages in hopes that they will change hearts and save souls. I pray you will be an answer to those prayers. You are a beautiful daughter of God. I am so proud of you, your talents, and your goodness. I feel blessed and honored to be your mother.

    You can always turn to these pages for answers to your trials and challenges. These scriptures live, and have wisdom to reveal and peace to bestow upon you. It won’t always be easy, but they will strengthen your testimony and faith, and his answers will be sure. You will grow and blossom in life during your trials as you put your faith and trust in the Lord. I promise He will not fail you: He cannot fail you when you do.

    You can always turn to me for support and love in your life, and even more so to your Father in Heaven. His ability to comfort you and guide you is perfect. He has provided a way for you to achieve all you hope to achieve in this life and return safely to his rest.

    May you learn and experience these truths for yourself. May God bless your life and fortify your heart with these truths.

   May we always remember the love of him who made us, is my prayer.

I love you forever,

Mommy

For "Saints and Sisters"

Written for a Tribalry group called "Saints and Sisters" on February 7th, 2016.

I had an epiphany today. It came to me because I was having a really ugly attitude, I mean really ugly, this week. I am glad that due solely to my time spent in therapy that I stopped to consider and to understand what was happening inside of me. (I’ll have to let my therapist know.)

I discovered an emptiness and an insecurity there.

So much of my life right now is dedicated to God and I am grateful for each opportunity. I am serving in the Relief Society Presidency, I am attending BYU, I am a mom, I am a Latter-day Saint, and I am many other things. I am doing my best in all of these areas of my life. But it is HARD- harder than anything I have experienced in life- and this week I am finding a bitter and angry part of me coming out, and an almost obsessive and pervasive neediness surfacing in me. I am feeling undone, and insecure, and alone. And I am being mean and I am mad.

Don’t look at me wrong!

I was spending a lot of my time blaming my circumstances and especially blaming my ex. If he hadn’t this, and if I didn’t have to be alone that. Which led to justifications like Since x, then I’m just going to have to y (cue mommy temper tantrum, a Haley pity party, or a large bag of chocolate chips, which is my current even as I type). I suddenly recognized that I was going into victim mode, and I was choosing to remove myself from the power that God has for me in every moment and from His joy.

It’s interesting to note that the reason I found myself here is because of my own self-imposed notions of what each aspect of my life needed to be. I am quite literally breaking myself against a wall of perfectionism and expectation. Even as I am rehearsing to myself that my intention in life is to glorify God, I’m still trying to define for myself what that is, rather than asking God. Oh, I can be woefully prideful.

As I become more aware of my current circumstances and direction, I am able to glance back at the Lord’s course and recognize that I deviated, and that the only true way is through acceptance and knowledge. His acceptance and knowledge. And that I need to ask him for those blessings, and to adopt his vision.

I’m not sure whether my tendency for pride was present from the outset. I don’t recall having that feeling or recognition in myself, but it did eventually surface. I’m sure it was just dormant because I was comfortable and confident, and it took a trial to get here. What I do know now is that even with my best intentions, I fall short of the Lord’s glory because I am still learning, and still quite young.

Brad Wilcox taught in our Book of Mormon class on Wednesday that God doesn’t call the best and the brightest and the perfect; he calls those who are willing to serve. Willing. That’s all he asks of us. We are literally called to be servants of our Heavenly Father, and we are chosen because of our willingness to serve, not because of our ability or talent in serving. All he is asking is that we let him guide us along the way and that we are willing to take our cues from him.

Um, what? That’s too simple, isn’t it? That’s not something I easily accept or understand. It just doesn’t work that way in my mind. I have too many measures and expectations, and I am working way too hard over here earning my worth to stop and listen to that.

But, I am learning (in the depths of my soul) that there is nothing more true about God. He’ll accept everything we offer him with a willing heart.

Every time I realize that God loves me immensely in this moment, and that he is proud of who I am, I feel great emotion, as if my spirit is adamantly confirming this truth to me. God loves us much more than we can comprehend, in every moment of our lives; even during the ugliest and the darkest moments. And I mean the ugliest. Even in the moments we don’t want anyone else to know existed. And we fear might exist again in the future. There is no end to God’s love. He is not ashamed of us, and he always has a way provided for us to get back to him no matter where we are standing.

All that we have to do is be willing: Willing to admit the truth, willing to acknowledge our faults and limitations, willing to be imperfect, and willing to trust his love and accept his guidance more than anything else in life. I cannot do this alone, and I am starting to realize I don’t even want to try to do it alone anymore. Life is way too painful and I am way too fallible and emotional. I will fail, maybe not immediately, but certainly, without God’s power.

I know that each of us has and will experience pain in this life. I know that each of us is imperfect, and each of us has our own demons. I know that we will feel insecure, hurt, and mean at some point during our journey through life. I hope that during these dark, painful, and lonely moments, or after as the case may be, that we will feel and remember that God loves us. I wish I could find words for the testimony I have in my heart to describe this truth: He is peacefully and patiently waiting and yearning for us to return to being receptors of his light. He is always shining, and extending forth light, love, and good; we just have to tune in to receive it.

I just want to testify of God’s love for each one of us. There is quite literally nothing we can do to dim his love. We cannot lose his love; it is not possible. We always stand to gain everything God has to offer his children. All we have to do is be willing to believe his words, willing to trust his love, and willing to accept his course. And then we will never fail. No matter how much we want to convince ourselves we have, we never will.

I love each of you, and I know God is proud of you. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.