Forgiveness Sometimes Comes With Knowledge

Alma 24:30
 30 "And thus we can plainly discern, that after a people have been once enlightened by the Spirit of God, and have had great knowledge of things pertaining to righteousness, and then have fallen away into sin and transgression, they become more hardened, and thus their state becomes worse than though they had never known these things."

This scripture changed my life today. I have new knowledge, and accordinlgy, a new power: I can understand, and I can heal. I feel emotional.

This process has taught me a lot. My heart aches for all of mine and my children's pain in the now, but also, I feel a sense of joy. I don't ever have to be here again. I can choose a different story. Knowledge is power- it is the power to change and shape a new future. Knowledge gives power to adapt. Not just for myself; I hope we can all shape a new and better future. 

 Knowledge is sometimes (oftentimes) healing for me. Maybe not instantaneously: A little more each day, as I rehearse the truth to myself in my daily affirmations. There is a lot of healing to be done. Healing of my heart, and healing of my soul. And eventually a healing for my children of the pain they have gone through. Some of which has come by my own hand, so to speak.

Yet, in healing, the lesson does not have to be taken away or forgotten. In fact, it is of the most importance that the lesson is retained and heeded. There seems to be a prejudice to remembering the lessons. Forgiveness is not forgetting. Forgiveness is letting go; it is accepting. It also remembering you chose to let go and accept. And it is remembering why.

That's one thing I love about the Book of Mormon. It is kind of like a journal of lessons which have been learned before. It isn't that the characters we read about haven't been forgiven. In fact, many times, that is exactly why their story is recorded. They were once lost to transgressions and the hatred of the world, but upon discovering Christ, their lives and their hearts are changed. They become brand new and whole. They have a fire lit inside of them. They experience real joy and hope for the first time ever.

Our lives can be full of impactful lessons, too. Let go of the disappointments and sorrows, but, please, never forget the lessons. And never quit striving for the good. The world can only become a better place one day, and one lesson, at a time.

Something Light

Today I want to include a poem I wrote when I was in fifth grade. I personally believe that a great part of each of us is formed in our childhood. Around this age, age ten I believe, I stopped believing I could be artistic. I quit writing poems and music, and I quit drawing. Part of what I am learning on my journey through divorce is that I need to let go of faulty beliefs. Like "can't".

Henry Ford said, "Whether you believe you can, or you can't, you are right." Poignant.

Today I believe I can. At least, I believe in this moment. I hope to build more on that belief. 

"Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith."

I believed when I was ten. Then, one day, for whatever reason- whether someone told me I couldn't, or I thought so, it doesn't really change the outcome- I chose to quit believing. And I chose that direction a little more each day. Until I didn't question that assumption anymore.

Maybe I produced something "bad" at that age. Rather than quitting, what if I had kept attempting? To have taken "bad" as the lesson that it is, and as a necessary piece of growth?

My voice teacher recently told me an incredible story about a man who learned to take the bad pieces of fruit at the grocery store along with the good. The compelling intention of the story is to teach that not all that we do and produce in life can and will be good. The more good we produce, the more likely we are to produce something bad, too. The key to success in life is to take them both as lessons and believe both are part of the process of understanding my talents. And part of building and adding upon them. Bad is not an indication of my talent; or, returning to the story, those fruits are not representative of all fruit, or even the tree.

Life is not static, but ever changing. Life is full of lessons and new beginnings, if only we choose to accept that vision.

Returning to my purpose: Here's my ten year old self's poem:


Winter by Haley Ricker

Winter whispers through the willows,
The snowflakes start to fall.
My mom has told me more than once,
"This is the best Christmas of all."

I went outside to play for a while;
I piled snow into a great pile.
I built up Snowman, fat and round.
I gave him arms; the sticks I found.

At my grandmothers, through the night,
The forest grows thick, white.
In the morning the snow is lost.
I say goodbye to the frost.

Flowers spring up through the ground.
Winter is lost. Spring is found.


Haley

Help Me Make It There, Let's Get There Together

Helpmeet.
Help. Meet.

1. 1. I have thought a lot about the term "helpmeet", as used by the lord. Merging the definitions of "help" and "meet", and applying them to the gospel context valued by Latter-day Saints, we get, "to serve someone, or to make it easier for them, (help) to fulfill and satisfy (meet) the plan to raise healthy children in love and righteousness (The Church Proclamation of the Family)." 

      
      

      Helpmeet. Beautiful really.

      
      

      So, what happens when someone is alone? The responsibility of both roles falls to that one: to be mother and father. I can tell you that it feels nearly impossible to be both roles. In fact, it may in actuality be impossible to do and receive the same result. I just may have to accept less. I am not the mother alone with two that I was with help. It boils down to values.

      
      

      Consider why with me:
      
      My primary responsibility as a mother is to love and nurture my children. The primary responsibility of a father is to provide for the family. These are conflicting values, even though they come together in two individuals to create harmony and unity in a family. It takes two separate and differing sets of actions to satisfy both. Thus, in one individual it feels like a dichotomy.
      
      Some values play into other similar values; some values can at times compliment other differing values; and some values will always be at odds with each other.
      
      Research tells us that when push comes to shove, and we have few options, the choices we make under pressure will be determined by our core, underlying values. Values such as honesty, integrity, wealth, health, happiness.
      
      I am a single parent. I am the parent of two beautiful children. I am neither mother nor father. I have the obligation to do justice to both. And herein, day by day, lay my struggle. My heart? Well, heart says "You are a mom! You know what really matters here!" But, it is not so simple.
      
      I am in a position where I am being pushed into self sufficiency. But to be self sufficient, my children must suffer. I don't feel better about myself if my children suffer. To focus on my children, our financial means must suffer. I don't necessarily feel bad about struggling financially. But, I do feel bad about placing a perceived burden onto another person. And, it doesn't do to live in poverty in effort to love my children. Because in the long term, the greatest burden is left to them. It is a paradox.
      
      Do the means justify the end? Does the end justify the means?
      
      I hate the space I am in. There really isn't an easy way to satisfy both demands. Something somewhere, usually a someone, must suffer. I must choose. It will be overwhelming. I won't make everyone happy. So in truth, the goal right now is to arrive as closely as possible to meeting my core values, at peace.
      
      Where is the balance for me? My balance will be different than someone else's balance of priorities. The key is to try to surround myself with people who would have similar values. I don't need to compound the guilt of not really meeting any one value in the same capacity I could with help with someone who is trying to pressure me or shame me into another balance- which would suit their values and not mine. I will never fully feel peace if I am not doing all that I can to meet my deepest values. This is what determines self-esteem. Without healthy self-esteem, I will not succeed.
      
      The Lord will guide my family through this process. When I think about the personal nature of inspiration, which conspires with our deepest values, I begin to understand the complexity of the thing. I need to trust my gut instinct. None of us will choose exactly the same, neither will our set of circumstances be the same. I need to have compassion on myself for being different, and for needing help. The Lord doesn't want us to suffer in silence; he wants us to reach out for love and community. On the outside, having never experienced these circumstances, choose love and compassion: Choose to listen and to serve. The worst thing we could do is to choose to judge the one in need. Or to try to fix them.

      
      

       Most days I feel like a failure. My home is chaos. Most of the time I feel annoyed with my kids. I do not get nearly enough sleep at night. I resort to spanking my toddler which is NOT something I believe is good for her self-esteem. She is on my nerves constantly, seeking the love and attention she is not receiving from me. And I? I am desperately focused on "achieving" and "making it", so that my children have chances for opportunities and growth in some distant future in which we have not yet arrived.
      
      But, I do believe the Lord makes all the difference. I believe this was part of what we agreed to face in this earthly probation. His atonement is real, and it is healing. The Atonement forgives my shortcomings, heals my pain, and gives me access to the power to shape a new future and to become a new woman. I am at the beginning of this journey, but I have to have hope and faith that who we will become will be worth the effort.
      
      

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