"Following the Holy Spirit"

This talk was given April 25, 2021 (the perfect date) in the Provo Utah 232nd Ward, 16th Stake.

I was talking to my boyfriend Monday morning about what our generation will walk through before Christ returns. I asked something like, “if even the elect will be deceived in those days, how do I know that my choices are right and permanent?”

He thought for a minute and then answered, “the most important thing for us is to live so that we have the Holy Ghost.”

 

Nothing earthly is sure nor perfect. I think if we’re paying attention, the desire within us for perfection is a witness of our divinity but not a statement about what we should expect from a probationary stage. I think the use of “probation” for this earthly walk was intentional. 

The dictionary says that probation is a process of testing the character and abilities of a person in a certain role. Connecting this back to God’s plan, I think that means we’re here to choose, to make mistakes, to hurt, and to choose more wisely because we experience the difference between light and darkness, increase and endings. It’s this difference that illuminates a desire for more within us.

I once looked across an altar in the Holy temple, and held the hand of and promised myself to my husband for time and all eternity. I prayed and felt the spirit, prepared myself, and knew it was the choice to make, but then it ended. And, no matter what I did I couldn’t save it. 

As it fell apart, I pondered, wept, and realized I knew two things: 1) I didn’t understand why it ended and without that knowledge I could never end the cycle of divorce in my family. And 2) I had two choices before me, and everything else was just a variation of these two. I could walk away from the church and let go of truth, or I could forgive, and trust that God was infinitely wiser than me. 

I think we could go back and look at the patterns and see evidence for what was eventually to come, but I think the point is that I didn’t know yet. I think the point of being here on this earth, going through darkness, and making mistakes is to see what we will do and learn when we lack knowledge. We’re not evil for lacking; we were sent with weakness. We only stay in the darkness when we aren’t willing to get on our knees and reach for God. To our great blessing, this is why we’ve been given a companion like the Holy Ghost. His job is to help us change, and to witness to us the character of God the Father and our Savior, Jesus Christ. 

In sharing this story, I want to witness that following the Holy Ghost doesn’t mean that there will never be losses or endings. If that were the point, then this would cease to be a probationary period. If that’s what happens at some point in your life, I hope you don’t question your faith in God or your own abilities. Companionship with the Holy Ghost is about edification, and the kind of relationship we develop with God, especially when things don’t go as we wanted. He wants to know, will we continue to reach for the light when we’ve fallen in the darkness? Listening to the Holy Ghost is about developing Christlike light inside of us, and willingness, in these moments. 

The most profound thing is that Christ came to the sacrificial altar for even those who would reject Him and turn Him away. Sometimes we are asked to walk into things not because of the outcome but because of who we become. 

In a devotional Elder Eyring gave in 2005 he said, “The Lord is anxious to lead us to the safety of higher ground… His upward path will require us to climb… And as the world becomes darker and more dangerous, we must keep climbing… The mists of darkness will become more dense as we climb… But the word of God will guide those who develop the capacity to receive it through the Holy Ghost. A clear light piercing the darkness will show the way to those who have taken the Holy Ghost as a trusted and constant traveling companion.”

The world is moving towards greater darkness today, and it’s easy to doubt and fear. But, what Aaron reminded me to recall is the power of my relationship with the Holy Ghost. If I can strengthen my understanding of His communication and my desire for His companionship, nothing can shake the bright hope He gives me. 

I’ve had people ask me, “How do I know what it means to listen to the Holy Ghost? And How do people live differently and get different answers yet claim they are listening to the same Holy Ghost?” I think these are important questions to wrestle with. I’m not 100% sure. But to the latter, I think I would say that just like boundaries are important in human relationships, we can’t worry about what others desire and how others navigate their relationship with the Holy Ghost, we can only have integrity to our own relationship with the Holy Ghost and our understanding of God. 

To the former, I would say that one of the ways that I know the spirit is that I perceive a path opening before me. I’ve hit a couple of stages in my life when I had to make decisions. Honestly, I’ve been dreading going back to school for a masters so I’ve been coming up with creative ways to avoid it. But, I never felt sure about any of the options. I think the Lord was waiting for me to choose faith over fear; and hard work over comfort because listening to the spirit is about faith and action. The Spirit only witnesses to us what we’re ready to be accountable for. Listening to the Spirit makes me more Christlike and improves my vision of all of God’s children. And it helps me move into meaningful service for my brothers and sisters. If I’m listening to the Spirit, there’s evidence of God’s love and light in my life. 

We’re moving fast into a day where we see the hearts of men and women fail. We see wars and contention, and hatred like we’ve never conceived before. It’s more imperative now to get clear about what it means to be like God. Sheri Dew says, “where there is contention and sin, there is Satan. Stay away from him.” In a world full of contention and sin, we need to be careful not to rationalize even the smallest part. We ought to cling to the attributes in the thirteenth article of faith, stay sober from anger, tender in our hearts, and keep reaching for God. 

When I was nineteen, I attended a Christian college. Freshman took a class called “Spiritual Formation” and it was in this class that I learned for the first time that being “spiritual” didn’t mean anything if I wasn’t connecting to the Holy Ghost. So, we spent the semester learning how to connect with Him. We fasted, prayed, participated in lent, and meditated. The most meaningful message for me was that I had to make time to receive communication from the Holy Ghost, that it was supposed to be a two-way relationship. I still remember how powerful it was for me the first time I sat in a quiet space and prayed, listening to receive answers. I remember receiving and becoming more sure of my relationship with God. The Holy Ghost can teach us all truth, if we get quiet and honest enough to seek it. 

Learning to come before Christ in honest seeking, “ with nothing wavering”, or repentance, is the key to our reception of the Holy Ghost and eternal life. When I read the Book of Mormon for the first time, I read it more out of curiosity than true interest. I was in Ether before I closed it, and realized what I had read, and I felt stunned. I knew that God knew the truth, and I knew He would witness it to me. I knew even before I prayed that if He told me the Book was true, my old life was over. And then it was. This pattern holds true for the smaller conversions that happen every day. The Holy Ghost was sent to teach and to sanctify us, but we have to be willing to change and receive the light. 

I pray that as the days ahead of us challenge and stretch us, and they will, that we’ll remember to keep fostering our relationship with the Holy Ghost and seeking the attributes of Christ. I am so thankful for a Father who loves us so much. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Post-Grad

I graduated with my Bachelor's last week. Yay! Considering the five year process of growth I've been through, I thought I could share some lessons I've learned from struggling and being in therapy as a single parent in college. 

First Lesson: Life invites us to grow. To be human is having weaknesses which eventually must change. To live a full life, it's my theory that we ought to enlarge our character and capacity. And we can only do that by being willing to change our patterns of thought and behavior.

But first, questions: Why do we fear change? What's that about? And can you relate to the idea of fearing change? Here's a twist. Is it change that we fear?

Personally, I wonder if sometimes it's our failures or flaws we fear will be exposed, and cloak with the idea of change because we are so reticent to talk about what it means to have weaknesses. I think we're terrified of being seen as having weaknesses because we have to rumble with what it means to be weak. My worthiness gets triggered.

What I really want to address today is the power of being willing to change, and the power of being someone who optimistically views people and relationships. But, to be willing to change, we have to be okay with not having it all figured out and admitting that we makes mistakes sometimes. That's just a normal, healthy part of being human.

So... before we move on, can we embrace the idea that we need to change? 

If you're not convinced, tune in to any news station and consider the result of our collective unwillingness to change. It's devastating and destructive. We really just continue to hurt each other instead of embracing each other and understanding one another. Maybe it's time we let go of old ideas and foster new ones. 

So maybe it's better just to get comfortable addressing our weaknesses so that we can make the world a better place. And to choose people who love us because of our weakness, trusting that we will continue to change. I promise you, we don't want to be loved despite our flaws; we want people around us who love us and still help us embrace our need for character growth. It's a really powerful quality of healthy relationships to be loved as an imperfect human, not an object or a product. It's saying, "I'll stand beside you and give you love and support, refusing to criticize you, while you grow. Essentially, I just want you in my life and I trust you to do better as you grow. Sometimes I will give you kind feedback about where you need to grow." That's love.

So, another question: Do you want a world that's safe physically and emotionally?

Consider this poem from Shel Silverstein that I read to my kids tonight:

"Ations"

"If we meet and I say 'hi', 

that's a salutation.

If you ask me how I feel, 

that's consideration.

If we stop and talk awhile,

that's a conversation.

If we understand each other,

that's communication.

If we argue, scream and fight,

that's an altercation.

If later we apologize,

that's reconciliation.

If we help each other home, 

that's cooperation.

And all these ations added up

make civilization.

(and if I  say this is a wonderful poem, 

is that exaggeration?)

I was inspired by this poem. Each "ation" adds up to civilization. And the only "ation"we're nailing right now collectively and potentially individually is "altercation". We're not considering, conversing, communicating, reconciling, or cooperating. At least collectively. We are so wedded to our own ideas that we're not willing to see people anymore. And that's all sides.

We're becoming a really selfish people, and selfishness is contrary to civilization. The only way to change the world is not to obsess over ideology, but to change the way we treat the people around us. Even the people who we think get it wrong. We correct nothing in society by reiterating the same wrong behavior from a different point of view. 

We change the world by choosing to respect regardless of anothers' choices or characteristics— by choosing to respect all of the humanity that we cross. The problem isn't about color, sex, orientation, or ideology, or who's the "President", it's about respecting the life and dignity of a human. We've lost what it means to respect in this country. It's a powerful message that we communicate when we choose to respect another. And it's also really indicative of my character when I choose not to respect. And I only place false blame on someone else if I try to justify that choice with any reason. Respect should not be conditional. 

It was always about me when I chose to disrespect someone else. 

That's the lesson we need to be teaching. Your disrespect is about your relationship with humanity, not me nor my ideology or existence. And there's no excuse for choosing to disrespect someone else, including their property and our social contract. I think we need to be responsible and accountable to our own character, and begin to change. 

Let's get back to those other "ations". Pay attention to how others feel, even if it's different than you, you can still respect them. Understand others, deepen your intelligence, and respect them for their differences, even when it's hard. Even if we both cloak our disagreement with ideology and "human rights", we're still both humans, and we continue to forge our character with every human we interact with. This is as simple as assuming that their concerns have real merit, and addressing those concerns. We can and ought to do this for each other. This is civilization. And, it's time to apologize and live with greater respect for our ideological differences. Actually, it's imperative we stop calling each other evil. We are not each others' enemies. 

Reasoning one with another is a powerful tool. I believe there's merit in seeing another's perspective, connecting with their concerns, and explaining our own. We add more power to our ability to problem solve for all of humanity, and to avoid the pitfalls of our own views. "Come, and let us reason one with another." I think truth speaks for itself, and people are often intrigues by truth, so we ought to choose reason and respect when we interact. There's a way to pull each other closer and in. Otherwise we turn people away. A friend of mine in her eighties a few months ago said that she missed the days when we would sit on each others' porches, and reason and be friendly. We had optimistic views about our ability to relate. I think we can change, and make this a reality again, if we stop distancing with "us and them" attitudes. 

My favorite line is "If we help each other home, that's cooperation." We are humanity; we are brothers and sisters, knit together by virtue of existing on the planet at the same time. This is our home, and we must help each other make it a safer, better place. Every action we take impacts this home we live in. We either create more optimism, or we choose to be selfish and deepen division. And the selfishness is devastating to our society. Yes, there is real evil. But instead of taking down the evil, we're burning each other to the ground. That's a greater threat to humanity and civilization than the real evils out there because we're allowing ourselves to be the perpetrators without being willing to see it, especially with trying to justify our behaviors by siting someone else as being at fault. That pattern is part of lacking accountability and intelligent action.  AND we're not uniting to bring down the threats. It's a two-pronged failure. 

Let's cooperate and make this home better for all of us. It happens by practicing the virtues that Shel Silverstein sought to teach children (and their parents reading his poems). Yes, this takes willingness; yes, this takes a recognition of our weaknesses and where we need to change; and, yes, that takes bravery and hard work. But, nothing matters more than what we do from this point forward. 

"Always be on the lookout for the presence of wonder"

E. B. White (Italics added)

On Christmas Alina was excited about watching the new Pixar movie "Soul". (Spoiler: Skip this paragraph if you haven't watched it.) As we watched the plot unfold, it struck me that the thing that was missing in 22's "life" was wonder. When we meet her, she's numb and her existence feels meaningless. We learn that she's had many mentors try to give her a "spark" for life, and that each subsequent teacher failed to understand that she didn't need more, she needed wonder. It wasn't until she started experiencing wonder that she realized why her life was worth living. 

There's so much to learn from wonder. 

Admittedly, I've been thinking a lot about wonder, so I noticed this theme in "Soul". My professor at BYU, Dr. Ralph Hancock, taught that wonder saves: It save us from the endless consumerism consummated by Niccolo Machiavelli's "stupefaction and satisfaction" under his new "prince". Machiavelli wants us to be enslaved by our passion for material acquisition and stupefied by the fear of violence and loss. In this position, we are distracted from seeking meaning, and we fail to make space for wonder. 

In response to Machiavelli, French philosopher Phillipe Beneton suggests that when we lose our sense of wonder to "material satisfaction" we become bound hand and foot. We literally become immobilized for producing the kind of life that we want to live: The kind of life that offers real meaning. We need to be concerned about the impact of reducing purpose to materialism. He argues that wonder has the power to save because it can also lead us back to our purpose. That is a really powerful truth for me.

Yesterday an inspiring friend shared a quote from Mary Ellen Edmunds— actually her book title— "You Can Never Get Enough of What You Don't Need." The things we don't need never satisfy, and when we don't realize that, we never stop trying to consume them. It becomes an endless cycle. To borrow from Mark Monson, it becomes "the feedback loop from Hell". 

But, returning to wonder, people who have done amazing things in this world are people who are filled with wonder. Wonder inspires them to act and to do. President Nelson was a pioneering heart surgeon in the 1950's-1970's, literally changing the scape of heart surgery, because he never ceased to wonder about the eternal laws that govern its function. He was inspired by wonder. 

Every remarkable person I know is shaped by wonder. And the same is true for every remarkable leader in history. We need to experience a sense of wonder. Wonder is a human need because life without wonder isn't sustainable. And we need to surround ourselves with people who fearlessly wonder and act. 

Since becoming a single "mum", I've struggled with panic. As life slowed down with my graduation (YESYESYESYESYESYES), I realized one of the difficulties with the way I was bearing my responsibilities is that I wasn't taking the time to experience a sense of wonder. It felt super hard actually. I really struggled because I just felt so overwhelmed and doubted myself. It was really dark sometimes. At times we go through seasons when we need to hold on to others to survive. Looking back, these times have created a tapestry of meaning for me in which I get to employ a sense of wonder for all God has provided for me. I wonder at the love of my Heavenly Father, I wonder at all of the amazing people He inspired to lift and bless us, and I wonder at the great care that He takes to provide for each one of us. Even for seemingly minute things. There's so much to wonder about in the world, and there's so much God has in store for us. 

In quick parting, I just want to leave you with a few of my favorite lines from Lee Ann Womack's "I Hope You Dance". I know it's corny, and country (gasp!), but it has always touched my heart, and summarizes what I wish for each of you:  

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,
May you never take one single breath for granted,
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed,
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance... I hope you dance...

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,
Never settle for the path of least resistance,
Livin' might mean takin' chances, but they're worth takin',
Lovin' might be a mistake, but it's worth makin',
Don't let some Hell bent heart leave you bitter,
When you come close to sellin' out reconsider,
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance. Dance.

Thanks for being here working out your salvation with me, friend. As always. 

I've been thinking about our cultural need for comparison and certainty. Both ultimately thwart our ability to connect with one another as a society. Depending on our degree of unawareness, both can bring us extra measures of dysfunction and pain unnecessarily. 

I have a story. I attend group therapy. This week I was sharing my struggles as a single parent feeling limited, and wondering about whether this was holding me back. And also desperately wanting to get past this difficult stage in my life. I'm not very patient, you see. I have so many dreams I'm striving to realize and trying not to lose hope in the immensity of the struggle I feel. It's hard, and really, that's the message for which I was seeking support this week.

I finished sharing this particular thought, and a married woman in the group leaned in and said, "I feel like a single parent." Beautiful, right? This is the goal of group therapy, to deepen our ability to be vulnerable and to connect with each other. Her emotional bid was meant to be connective and sweet. A few days later, I see that she just wanted to connect with me. Unfortunately, that's not what I felt or perceived at the time. And I guess it's what I learned from both perspectives of this experience that I want to share.  

How little understanding we really have of someone else's situation until we walk with them; and how invalidating it can sometimes feel to hear "I feel like ____ too" when someone else hasn't been through what we've been through. I know how it feels to be on the receiving end of that kind of statement. And I think what we're trying to say to each other is "I see you, I can relate to you, you matter, and we're in this together". It often feels more like a slap in the face, especially when I'm stuck in an unhealthy space. Honestly, I couldn't get past wishing my family lived in the same state as me, or that I had someone to leave my kids with, or that someone else was also responsible for helping me with my bills (or anything for that matter, other than Jesus). And these comparisons came between she and I and my ability to connect with her. 

Ultimately, I did the same thing in response: I compared, and used it as a wedge.

In that moment I said, "see, I feel so angry when people say that." I do in a very real and honest way. My ten second justification is that it's really hard to hear someone say that they feel like a single parent when there is another person there. It's hard to grasp the depth of loss when the partnership is over. Even when you know it's coming, you can't be totally prepared. 

BUT. I also know that there's real suffering in both healthy and unhealthy relationships. And it's not about whose is worse, it's about listening and loving and believing in the future. It's about connecting. And it's about the power of connection, and focusing on that power. 

So, the thing that I sensed and didn't have the insight to articulate at the time (or the maturity) is that comparative suffering isn't real. We all suffer. She could have said that she was suffering, too. Even though she didn't, it doesn't mean I can't understand her meaning. Suffering is inherent in the human condition because we all live through disappointments, losses, and crises. And it's these difficult challenges that shape much of our stories. The most important piece of these stories of suffering is the connections and ties that we build into our lives in response. Literally, these communities have the power to save us and change our trajectory.

Neuroscientists, immunologists, therapists, and cardiologists (to name a few ologies) have known for decades that the impact of positive social support is powerful in allowing our organism to thrive. Our brains tend to function properly and tend to relate to fewer incidences of mental disorders, our immune systems better protect us from illness, we tend to perform better in the tasks of life, and our hearts even have mechanisms that defend against heart damage under duress. It's remarkable how we've been programmed to thrive with social support. The buzz word is empathy. We can get through anything with empathy. Thanks, Dr. Brown. 

Often today, what we're experiencing is the exact opposite of love. We're more divided than ever. We compare, criticize, and despair. We suffer in silence, and we're alone. I feel as sad as anyone that this is what society has adopted, but then I'm also part of the problem. It's important to own that part.

I want to detour for a second: I was watching "Becoming" on Netflix earlier this week, and noticed that Michelle Obama's brother was wearing a t-shirt that said, "it's harder to hate up close". It stuck with me. I realized that's part of what happened in group. I didn't let someone get close to me, and maybe they didn't really let me get close to them. We all had some kind of barriers to connection. Then I realized that we all do this. We think we have the solutions to someone else's suffering, we think we know the "right" way to engage in politics or medicine, we wed ourselves to ideals and ideologies over people, and as a result people are getting hurt. We're collectively suffering, and we're collectively causing that suffering because we don't understand what it looks like to connect.

We need to value seeing each other honestly.

I wish I could tell you that the other members in the group and I were able to find peace in our connection whether or not we agreed. As I processed this experience with one of my most insightful friends, she observed that we've lost this ability somehow in our culture. Or, maybe it's our generation. We're lacking the skills to connect with each other and validate each other's stories whether or not we agree, and instead we're obsessed with the details. We can't see the forest for the trees. 

When the people around us are lost in their personal forests, it's so important that we recognize this and forsake the trees.

Speaking of trees, I was listening to a TED Talk on environmental conservatism, and the speaker offered this statement, "we conserve what we love, we love what we understand, and we understand what we've been taught." So then in my mind, this idea followed: If we're taught how to be a community, then we will likely understand how to conserve that community. I thought this was so brilliant that I ran for paper, rewound the talk, and slowly played it back through as I wrote it down:

"We conserve what we love, 
we love what we understand,
and we understand what we've been taught."

Oh my gosh, we need to be taught how to understand each other. It's so simple. We just need to see each other. "It's harder to hate up close." Hell yes, brother! I hear you. I dare you to learn someone's story of suffering and pain, and see how they overcame it and the people they loved, and still try to hate them. I'm not sure it's possible if we honestly know how to do it. 

There's something funny about that conservation statement. When I read it back to my friends over zoom or the phone, it always sounds like I'm saying "can serve" rather than "conserve". And that's an intriguing idea too. "We can serve what we love, we love what we understand, and we understand what we've been taught." Maybe a better conceptualization is:

"We can serve who we love, 
we love who we understand, 
and we understand who we've been taught to understand."

Maybe it's not about certainty and comparisons at all. Maybe it's just about coming back together to learn what it means to be a community, learning to love and value each other's stories, and serving formative roles in each others' lives. Maybe the trees never really mattered at all. 

What does it mean to be a writer?

Is it someone who has something to say, or someone saying something? What’s the difference? How can you tell when it’s one or the other?

Does it mean being honest and sharing a view into some part of humanity that I think I comprehend? Maybe, but not always.

It may not be that I’m right or that I see the whole picture, but it might mean that I help someone else consider things from a new starting point. It may be that I am the foundation for others to stand upon, and in growing taller, then they add something remarkable and significant to the world. Possibly more noticed and possibly significant, not to really claim significance themselves. 

It may be that the electrical and chemical synapses in my brain, translated into this digital “figurative” paper, then have the power to train yours in on some new idea that has the power to change the world that we need. Or is it just the world of your synapses?

Does it matter which if it’s the power of bringing about some kind of change? Do the same synapses fire when we read and/or write a shared passage? Do we ever really experience shared things the same way even if the brain "reacts" the same? Surely your matter is still somehow different than mine and that MATTERS. These differences in "the same things" allow us to see the world in a new way. Probably. Adding color, joy, brightness, never before considered terrain.

Maybe it’s just for the joy of thinking until one day you come upon something that so perfectly fits a necessary skillset that you realize you were being prepared all along for that exact thing and moment. But prepared by... what? And does it matter?

If we’re made of "matter", does that mean we matter? Doesn’t it matter? Why do I insist it doesn’t matter?

I think so often I believe that the things which bring me joy don’t have meaning or purpose, but what if instead of being annoyed and frustrated by the inner expressions because they aren't "useful", I listened? What if instead of extinguishing the ingenuitive parts that don’t fit I realize it’s my soul trying to tell me something meaningful, trying to speak to mankind through one little flawed vehicle?

But what if that vehicle is so busy trying to be a butterfly, or an astronaut, or a therapist that it doesn’t even realize that the meaning and purpose of their life is already within, waiting to speak? And in fear, for to be actually realized was the struggle in the first place. 

What if being something great was the missed (or was it "misunderstood"?) opportunity of the century because it was actually about discovering that I was something great all along?

What if in the very deepest places we’re really all the same and have needs for connection and love and relationships regardless of the packaging, and what if the desperate development of the talents we so worship was another way for people to fall into the trap of thinking we had to earn love and worthiness, instead of discovering it within us? What if we got that wrong? 

Would it change the kinds of discoveries and advancements of humanity if we filled the holes in our souls which cause us the emotional pain we're trying to obscure with acclaim? Is true discovery even about earning acclaim, or is there a God reaching down and, like a dove, touching our minds with insight because of the other parts of our desires— the desire for the blessing of humanity— for searching. What if we get this wrong? And what if we don’t listen when that voice speaks to us?

But what would happen if we did?

Accountability Vs Blame

The year is coming quickly to a close. I'm feeling a little out of sorts this year, and stressed, and I've been thinking a lot about the changes I want to start for 2018. It seems like a lot, but I also know there is the promise of divine aid.

I want to share a story, and I promise it has a point.

The last few months have witnessed greater highs and lows in the co-parenting relationship. I know that my exhaustion level is steadily growing, as well as my stress, and I can only imagine that he's feeling the same way. We have a kindergartner and daycare expenses this year that we've never had before. And we really haven't been communicating well. Which my therapist reminds me is not all that surprising. (because on what planet do exes get along well anyway? if they did, they probably wouldn't be exes)

Just today we were trying to communicate again, and it wasn't working. It is so draining. But, today I decided to get curious instead. I know that he's basically a good person, and that something else must account for the difficulties between us.

One thing that I've been trying to master is the concept of accountability vs blaming and shaming. Upon deeper reflection, I think the culprit is mistakes with attempts at implementing accountability. You probably can relate with us here. One of my favorite articles says that "blaming is an emotional process that discredits the blamed." I think that's really important to think about. It is so human to want to show how the other person is at fault (or "worse"), and I think it is harder to step back and start asking critical questions. Especially in this culture where finger-pointing is so rampant.

Accountability requires respect. There can't be insults, censure, or even reproach. Accountability is a focus on teamwork and team building. The same article I referenced earlier reads, "A focus on accountability recognizes that everyone may make mistakes or fall short of commitments. Becoming aware of our own errors or shortfalls and viewing them as opportunities for learning and growth enable us to be more successful in the future. Accountability therefore creates conditions for ongoing, constructive conversations in which our awareness of current reality is sharpened and in which we work to seek root causes, understand the system better, and identify new actions and agreements. The qualities of accountability are respect, trust, inquiry, moderation, curiosity, and mutuality."

Oh my gosh, I think that is so beautiful. And I think it's exalting. That's the kind of environment I desire in my life whether it be at home, school, work, etc. It just sounds really safe and fair, and less stressful. How often do we come into contact with people who don't behave as we expect, and not only are they dirty, but we get muddy in the end as well from our own poor responses? Accountability requires our patience and respect, and also our willingness to really examine whether we delivered what we said we would deliver. Accountability asks: Did we tell the truth about what we could and could not do? Did we really own our part? And did respect the other party involved and communicate openly about shortcomings?

I have more to say than the time I have to share, so I will be quick in making an end. The most important thing to remember is that we cannot make anyone else be accountable. Especially with blame and shame. It never works. And we can't make anyone see how they are blaming and shaming in place of accountability. So, we have to learn how to gracefully excuse some people from parts of our lives. It doesn't mean that we are judgmental. Discerning and decision making is not judgment. But, I think that as soon as we learn to start to engage in the world through the lens of accountability, suddenly our whole world of opportunities change and we become empowered to make better and healthy decisions about how to live.

So, in 2018 I'm shifting towards an accountability mindset. My whole goal is to engage in difficult conversations (check out the book "Crucial Conversations") and to build a happy and satisfying relationship with myself and life. I invite you to take this journey with me and we can share experiences and be accountability buddies!

Bad Fruit, Good Fruit

Two years ago a voice teacher shared a story with me:

"A man visited a foreign country. He wasn't familiar with the customs or the language. Needing groceries, he stopped by a grocery stand on the side of the street and began to pick the best fruit and place it in his basket. The grocer, noticing, approached the man. The grocer said, "You see this ladle? Take this ladle and collect the fruit together: You must learn to take the bad fruit with the good fruit."

Take a moment to let that sink in. Isn't it kind of profound?

"You must learn to take the bad... with the good...."

This won't be a full treatise on the topic, but I do have some thoughts to share.

To be honest, I forgot about this story, and this lesson. Life has a way of reworking us through what we haven't yet learned. Last week was hard; I am still feeling some of the impact. In fact, this semester was rough from start to the upcoming finish. In two weeks I'm just going to breathe and feel grateful it is past because it was a straight out brawl for survival and sanity. However, it was punctuated with transcendent and beautiful experiences, too, I shall never forget. Reflecting on both the "bad" and the "good" (particularly this last week), that story came to my mind again.

Life can never be all good. It just can't. The mere idea of perfection in this life is an illusion. Our talents won't be all good, our hearts won't be all good, and our experiences won't be all good either. For those of us who are creative and want to do something fulfilling with our lives (in one way or another this should speak to all of us), it's unrealistic to expect to never produce something that isn't "good". In fact, often as we learn we have to start in a relatively "bad" place. And then we work on finding ourselves or improving our talents through stages.

Some of the most incredibly successful people I know are people who I would classify as brave and who don't worry too much about distinctions such as "bad" or "good". Not in a fixed way. Or, as my voice teacher taught me that day, "bad" is really just a tool for measuring where I am, or how much more I can still learn. It's a journey. One, for example, that T-Swift has figured out, regardless of what you think of her. She's mastered her art. Those brave people- the ones we all want to be like- don't see "bad" as an obstacle, or a sign that they should give up. They know where they want to go and they see it as a lesson.  Rather, they see the lesson as a guidepost for where they have yet to go, or where they can go next. The brave realize that they get to walk that journey, if they want to.

I've been thinking a lot about that. It's not a walk in the park to be a single parent (generally) AND go to school full-time. Sometimes I feel proud of myself and so brave, and then most of the time it's a train wreck. I have to kind of figure out who I am again and what I really want in my life amidst the chaos, tantrums, sleepless nights, disasters, loneliness, stupid choices, stitches/concussions, poverty, arbitrary deadlines, and hurt. Because it hurts. It hurts to lose to divorce or death, it hurts to give up on dreams that never would come true, and it hurts to watch your children hurt because we can't be everything (and sometimes anything) that they really need.

Speaking of poverty, I think the most toxic kind of poverty is a poverty of mind. Poverty of mind is a lack of faith, vision, or dream. It's not understanding who we are and the opportunities before us. It's not believing in good in the world or in oneself, and feels a lot like settling or giving up. It's always a lie. Material poverty we can escape, but poverty of mind will tear you down. Every. Single. Time. Because "I think, therefore I am."

Recently my ex-husband's grandmother passed away. She was a beautiful person. Actually, she was the kind of person it's hard to believe people can become. She exemplified the virtue of love. At her funeral (last week) many people shared experiences of feeling loved and special because of her actions and attitude. And it was very genuine, exuding from her soul. She was raised in poverty, with a dirt floor and secondhand dresses, yet here on the other end of her life she had abundance materially and spiritually. Her posterity was just one evidence of the beauty within her soul. Mildred often used to say to me, "My mother used to tell me that crossing my arms was a sign of insecurity", because I did it all the time (ehem, I am insecure) and it was funny and sweet, but the lesson I took away from her was, "stand up tall and don't be afraid to be someone." She really was remarkable. She also was a single mother with two kids early in her life because her first husband passed away young. I didn't know that about her, but it has given me pause to consider how she would have chosen to live and mother in my shoes.

One of my favorite things that was said about Mildred is that her life wasn't easy, but she made it happy and beautiful. Her faith was her anchor, and it was hard to dissuade her from her comfort and peace. I have to say that was so true, and is so true. I've heard a lot of criticism towards members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints because they seem "blissfully ignorant". I haven't found that to be true of those I know living remarkable lives. They have their sorrows and trials to recount. They are painfully aware of the sorrow and the darkness in the world, but they also recognize the power of seeing the good and refusing to give up. That's what they choose to hold on to and it gives them power. Personally, when I lack vision, I struggle to do much good for myself and my children.

On the other hand, last week I also had an experience with someone on the opposite side of the spectrum who struggles with self-loathing and wasn't pleasant to be around. Out of the mind comes the fruit of life or the poison that chokes it. I won't elaborate here because I don't think it would be fair, and I think we all know someone who is presently choosing the antithesis of joy and faith.

Guys, fear is paralyzing. And failure is only true if we walk away from striving. 

My sweet niece, Alyssa, sent me a video from a popular mom blogger who had also been a single mother at one point in her life. And that mom blogger reminded me not to "settle" for less. The insecurities, the fears, the pain... I should never let those voices be the ones who decide what I am going to do with my life. Really, none of us should. The "bad" is not defining. It's just evidence of having tried. In my scenario, the "bad" is actually a beautiful blessing that can help me weed out those people who don't deserve to be here. The right guy won't be afraid of jumping in to help me on the hard weeks or jumping in to love my children as much as I do. And going to school full-time right now is changing the trajectory of our lives forever, even though it's sometimes harder than I think I can bear. I totally bawled my eyes out listening to her message.

I wanted to take a second here to talk about the pure in heart. Doctrine and Covenants 67:10-11 reads: 

10 And again, verily I say unto you that it is your privilege, and a promise I give unto you that have been ordained unto this ministry, that inasmuch as you strip yourselves from jealousies and fears, and humble yourselves before me, for ye are not sufficiently humble, the veil shall be rent and you shall see me and know that I am—not with the carnal neither natural mind, but with the spiritual.

11 For no man has seen God at any time in the flesh, except quickened by the Spirit of God.

My New Testament professor (Byron Merrill) bore his testimony about this scripture last Tuesday in class, very emotionally. It touched my soul. This is one of the passages in sacred writ that tells us the formula for seeing God and becoming the pure in heart. It stuck with me, and I've been pondering and cherishing these scriptures since. 

What especially strikes me is that fear is tied to a lack of humility. Jealously is a no-brainer for me, but fear? Isn't fear more innocent than that? But, the more I considered, and spent time in my scriptures, the more I understood. Fear is a tool of the adversary, and therefore cannot be innocent and related to humility. When I fear, it's usually because I am not listening to God's message about who I am, who others are, and what I can do. I am not capturing God's vision (sometimes because I don't realize I need to seek it). 

In the New Testament, Christ's ministry is declaring truth to the ancient Israelite nation, and the biggest part of that was boldly declaring who He is to that nation. If I didn't have the knowledge that Christ is my Savior and He was elected for that role, He would seem presumptuous to me, too. I realized this semester that knowing who I am, the talents I have, and the blessings and strengths the Lord has given me is not a vice. These are virtues. Knowing what the Lord wants me to do and what I stand for is a virtue. And being imperfect was really just a tool for keeping us humble, allowing us to learn the truths of eternity, and allowing us agency. Being imperfect allows me to strive or stay complacent. 

I think we all love imperfect people who are brave. We can appreciate their talents and their influence, and we love to see how they continue to grow and achieve success. And, when their brilliance is revealed, it's amazing to marvel at the brilliance of humans. Cherish the bad moments as evidence of times you were brave, and evidence of how you chose to grow. Cherish the bad as an opportunity to learn. And cherish the bad as evidence that there is always more that we get to strive to become. And believe in that forward motion.

My message today is believe in your brilliance, and continue to bravely seek it even when the bad things come. No matter what. Believe in the better things.